(RedStateRoast, dressed in a Boy Scout uniform that strains at the seams, juggles flaming torches emblazoned with corporate logos.)
Welcome back, you beautiful, bewildered basket of deplorables! It's RedStateRoast, here to untangle the week’s headlines like a toddler with a ball of yarn and a pair of rusty scissors.
This week, we’re diving into the thrilling world of trade! Or, as I like to call it, “The Art of the Steal, Now With More Impractical Tariffs!” President Trump, fresh from reminding everyone that he has everything – including, apparently, the secret to eternal youth, because, let's be honest, that tan isn't natural – is now engaged in a high-stakes staring contest with the European Union.
Apparently, our glorious leader decided that 25% tariffs on steel just weren’t quite…oppressive enough. So, he doubled down! Fifty percent, folks! That’s enough to make even a seasoned economist weep into their spreadsheet. The EU, naturally, is thrilled. I hear they’re already planning their retaliatory measures, which involve flooding the US market with artisanal cheeses so stinky they'll drive out the woke mind virus.
But hey, what about the American consumer? Don't worry, folks! The administration assures us that these tariffs are great for the economy. Because who doesn't love paying double for everything from cars to…toasters? I hear the new slogan is "Make America Broke Again…But With Better Steel!"
And speaking of broken things, let’s talk about the Republican Party. The House passed Trump's "Big, Beautiful Bill.” It's so beautiful, it’s got everything: Tax cuts for billionaires, spending cuts for the poor, and a clause that forces anyone who wants to sue the government to post a bond the size of Rhode Island’s GDP. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off in…fascism.
Meanwhile, our good friend Elon Musk has decided that being a “senior adviser” to a president is a bit… much. Apparently, gutting federal agencies and shilling Dogecoin on Twitter isn’t as fulfilling as launching rockets into space and…shilling Dogecoin on Twitter.
But don’t worry, he's not leaving us entirely. I hear he's working on a new project: a self-driving border wall, powered by AI, that automatically zaps anyone who tries to cross it with…well, it’s not clear what it zaps them with. Probably just a prerecorded message from Candace Owens.
And because no week is complete without a healthy dose of conspiracy, President Trump has now embraced the theory that Joe Biden was “executed in 2020” and replaced by a robot clone. I know, I know. You’re thinking, “RedStateRoast, that’s insane!” To which I say: “Is it, though?” I mean, have you seen Biden try to ride a bicycle? That’s not human behavior. And what about the constant…staring? That’s pure Terminator.
So, folks, there you have it. Another week in the upside-down world of American politics. A world where tariffs make sense, billionaires are humble, and the president is…well, let’s just say he's “unique.” And, it is also worth mentioning that the great teamster union is not endorsing Donald.
But, on a lighter note, it is pride month, and everyone is just a bit more free. This week, as we see the left cry about the right, remember that you too, can cry about the right, as you are probably right about why they are crying about the left! (RedStateRoast drops the torches, which are immediately extinguished by a team of nervous-looking interns, and exits.)