(RedStateRoast bursts onto the stage wearing a full hazmat suit, complete with a comically oversized respirator and a sign that reads "Certified Liberal Tears Recycler.")
Howdy, patriots! Or as the CNN chyron would have it: “Potential Domestic Terrorist…Maybe.” I'm RedStateRoast, here to sanitize your news feed and inoculate you against the woke mind virus.
Well, folks, the Senate's back from recess, and they're tackling the Big, Beautiful Bill, or as I call it, "The 'We're All Gonna Die (But the Rich Die Richer)' Act of 2025." Joni Ernst, bless her heart, is out there assuring us it's all going to be fine, because, hey, “We're all gonna die,” anyway. That's right, folks, existential dread is now official Republican policy. I propose we replace the bald eagle with a nihilistic shrug.
This bill’s so big, so beautiful, it’s practically a remake of the Titanic. Except instead of an iceberg, it’s the national debt. And instead of lifeboats, it’s tax shelters for billionaires.
You know, you hear a lot about these Medicaid cuts. But look at the bright side: more room at the Golden Corral! No, in all seriousness folks, isn't it possible that these cuts are actually good for our health? I mean, if you can't afford medical care, you can't get sick! Genius.
Speaking of things spiraling, Elmo, that furry red socialist, has apparently endorsed Joe Biden’s clone. I knew there was something fishy about that Tickle Me Elmo. Probably funded by George Soros. Remember when Sesame Street used to teach kids about sharing? Now they’re teaching them about… pronouns. It’s a slippery slope from “C is for Cookie” to “T is for Transgender Agenda.”
And look who’s back in the news. Why it's Marco Rubio, who wants you to show your papers for a student visa at Harvard. Yes, he believes that the universities are the enemy. He's right. They have been peddling the lie that our nation is something other than a great nation.
Now, these whiny California leaders are upset that they are portrayed as "crazy people." You know, I thought a new study has shown that the state is on the verge of running out of water. You know what they should worry about? Finding enough water to bath in!
And speaking of not bathing, John Fetterman, the senator with a stroke and a wardrobe inspired by a Soviet-era gym teacher, is complaining about getting trashed in his local paper. Look, I'm no medical expert, but I'm pretty sure a U.S. Senator's primary job requirement isn't to look like he just lost a fight with a couch. And I am not sure which is worse, his wardrobe choices, or how much he has been kissing Trumps feet on Ukraine lately.
Meanwhile, in Colorado, some unhinged maniac with a homemade flamethrower attacked a rally for Israeli hostages. You know things are bad when flamethrowers become part of the political discourse. I fully expect to see them at the next Republican fundraiser, right next to the bouncy house. At least its nice that Colorado is trying to be so inclusive in its discrimination.
Then you have the 23-year-old crypto bro who's now blocking National Science Foundation grants. I mean, that just sounds like a rejected screenplay from Mike Judge. What does a 23 year old Crypto Bro know about science?
Which reminds me, did you hear the new head of FEMA admitted he didn't know about hurricane season? Folks, I'm starting to think the only qualification for a Trump administration job is a complete and utter lack of relevant expertise. But hey, at least he knows where the good tanning salons are, right? That’s what really matters when a hurricane is bearing down on your coastal trailer park.
So, it's an upside down world out there, patriots. But the thing is there aren't any "good guys" or "bad guys", just a bunch of flawed, confused people trying to make sense of it all. It's a bit like a group of toddlers fighting over a pile of shiny rocks, except those rocks are the foundations of our republic.
And finally, all the people complaining that Trump is a fool and has no clue what he is doing with the White House... Are correct! The man just signed a bill to make it easier for himself to collect money. He is just a con man after all!
But hey, at least we can all agree on one thing: America is still the greatest nation on Earth. Even if we're currently being run by a… well, let's just say a “colorful” cast of characters. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go stock up on canned goods and learn how to build a fallout shelter. Because at this point, that seems like the most reasonable thing to do. (RedStateRoast bows, then trips over the hazmat suit and nearly takes out the microphone stand.)