(RedStateRoast, wearing an inside-out MAGA hat and a monocle perched precariously on his nose, shuffles to the microphone, scattering glittery red, white, and blue confetti.)
Well, hello there, comrades. Or as we now call you in the post-truth era, "Statistically Insignificant Data Points." Welcome to another edition of RedState Reality Check, where we separate the wheat from the woke… and then burn the wheat, because carbs are the devil.
Folks, this week, Washington is about as stable as a toddler on a trampoline made of buttered toast. President Trump, bless his rapidly oxidizing heart, has ordered an investigation into Biden's use of an autopen. An autopen, for those of you who didn’t major in Presidential History and are therefore useless to society, is a machine that signs documents automatically. Apparently, the President suspects that Robot Biden is signing treaties with our enemies while Human Biden is drooling into a bowl of tapioca. I have to admit, it’s a legitimate concern. You can’t trust those robots. They’re always plotting something… like affordable healthcare or sensible gun control.
I was going to make a joke about a bot's brain being wiped, but I don't want to end up on the new Department of Homeland Security's list of "Comedians Who Are Asking the Right Questions, Which is Actually Very Dangerous."
Meanwhile, the Senate is back in town, trying to pass Trump’s big, beautiful bill. And Elon Musk, fresh from firing half his workforce and single-handedly tanking Tesla stock, is now calling it a "disgusting abomination." Oh, the drama! It’s like watching two toddlers fight over the last juice box, except the juice box is the American economy, and the toddlers have nuclear launch codes. Also, It looks like Tesla is being charged with false advertising. Are you telling me I can't drive to Mars in one?
And speaking of things that are going to blow up in our faces, the National Hurricane Center is now being run by a guy who apparently just learned that hurricanes are a thing. I guess disaster preparedness is now considered "woke" and "unpatriotic." Who needs accurate weather forecasting when you have… gut instinct? And a really big Sharpie?
Also, just going to point out: They knew about the great lakes long before the white man.
But while DC descends into madness, life goes on, apparently, in New York City. They’re having a mayoral election, and things are getting feisty. One candidate, a Mr. Cuomo, is facing attacks from all sides. You know, the kind of attacks usually reserved for piñatas at a particularly hostile children's birthday party. Apparently, New Yorkers are tired of politicians with… let’s just say “complicated” relationships with the truth. Go figure.
The fact that no one is calling Zohran Mamdani our is racist. Just thought you should know the word is being used everywhere.
What I don’t understand is what kind of a last name that even is! I mean, Cuomo, now that’s a name. I mean just think, it's a name that just rolls off the tongue like a plate of Mama’s delicious- well, you get the idea.
And while we're on the subject of people yelling at each other, did you hear about that code that ICE Agents use? It’s "86 47"? That's a subtle hint.
And also, did you hear about what the "8" means and what "46" means. Very similar.
But I have to say, I think Trump is taking things a little too far.
All this and it is now "Family Month?" I thought the month was already recognized, because it has 12 months in it.
So what does it all mean, folks? It means that America is officially the world’s most expensive reality show. And the ratings are… well, let’s just say Nielsen is having a hard time keeping up with the sheer volume of train wrecks.
(RedStateRoast adjusts his tinfoil hat and stares intensely into the camera.)
Remember, patriots, stay informed, stay armed, and never, ever trust a politician who promises you a free lunch. Unless that lunch involves a Trump Steak, a Diet Coke, and a signed copy of The Art of the Deal. Then, you know, maybe… just maybe… take the lunch.