(RedStateRoast swaggers to the microphone, dressed in a tattered Revolutionary War uniform, clutching a Starbucks cup. He adjusts his tinfoil hat, which is now adorned with a tiny American flag.)
Howdy, heathens! Or, as they’re now called in the halls of Congress, “undocumented patriots-in-waiting.” I’m RedStateRoast, your weekly guide through the wilderness of Washington weirdness, where the only thing thicker than the humidity is the hypocrisy.
So, folks, this week, the world decided to hand us a collective participation trophy for Most Likely to Implode, and what a week it’s been. The battle royale between Trump and Musk, the two titans of ego and questionable judgment, has finally reached its fever pitch. It’s like watching Godzilla fight Mothra, except instead of Tokyo, they’re destroying my faith in humanity, and instead of radioactive breath, they’re spewing conspiracy theories on Truth Social. It’s art, folks, pure unfiltered performance art.
And all for you, the adoring public!
It appears the relationship that was more lucrative than a $9.99 OnlyFans account came to an end over Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill", which I’m now convinced is just a code phrase for a shipment of gold-plated toilets to Mar-a-Lago. Musk, our former Efficiency Tsar is now calling it “a disgusting abomination!” Which, let's be honest, is a little rich coming from a guy who thinks Dogecoin is a legitimate investment strategy.
Did you hear that the two are fighting over the "Epstein files?" The left is saying, "We want those released." The Right is saying, "We need those released. To own the libs." And all Americans are saying "What are those and how can I look at them?"
Now, all I know is, that the Democrats are salivating over this split like Pavlov's dogs at a bacon convention. They think they can "woo" Elon over. Please, Democrats, don't. He's not the ally you need. He's the "friend" who shows up to your dinner party, eats all the shrimp, and then tries to sell everyone a timeshare on Mars.
The whole feud is, for lack of a better word - hilarious. Also, Elon and Trump will make up by next Wednesday.
Folks, I haven't seen so many people backstabbing each other since high school prom, and the fun doesn't stop there. The Supreme Court, those bastions of unbiased jurisprudence, have declared that a straight person can, in fact, be discriminated against. This comes after the Court ruled that illegal migrants can be kicked to El Salvador.
In short, it is a great week to have as little power as possible in the United States. You are either going to be audited, deported, or just left to die.
But do not worry my friends because help is on the way: Congresswoman and full time social media influencer Marjorie Taylor Greene is now promising to read and analyze more bills. To that, I just say, that that's like promising to stop sniffing glue.
If you are looking for some good news, a 22-year-old ex-gardener and grocery store assistant is now leading U.S. terror prevention. That’s right, folks, because nothing says “fighting terrorism” like someone whose primary skill is arranging produce and trimming hedges. I feel very safe.
I feel so safe that I am calling on all Americans to send this young man all of their secrets: This is to show him how much we trust him. I have no doubt that these documents will be used for good. Not evil.
To all of those Harvard kids who just learned they are going to be given the boot, I am sorry and I am here for you. Don’t worry though because you can all get a great deal on a degree from Trump University... I think. That is if they haven't changed their name again to avoid the bad press.
And speaking of learning: It looks like I have been added to a list of fake news spreaders at Voice of America. I can't say I'm surprised given the world we now live in.
The one thing is: We never spread fake news, only alternative facts.
In summary: This is the state of American politics: We are not leading, just stumbling, and the only thing we have in common is that we all hate each other!
But hey, at least we’re not boring, right?
So, go out there, enjoy your weekend, and try not to think too hard about the slow-motion apocalypse unfolding around you.
And remember, folks, always trust your gut… unless your gut is telling you to run for political office. Then, maybe seek professional help.
(RedStateRoast blows a kiss to the audience, then scurries offstage, muttering something about the impending lizard people takeover.)