(RedStateRoast emerges onto the stage, looking like he’s just wrestled a badger and lost. His tie is askew, his hair is sticking up at odd angles, and he's clutching a half-eaten corn dog.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful, doomed patriots. Or as the Democrats call you, "The reason we need a new voting system that involves interpretive dance and a certified emotional support hamster."
So, another week in paradise, huh? Or as I like to call it, "The slow-motion car crash that you just can't look away from, even though you know you should probably be investing in a good therapist and a bunker in Montana.”
First off, let's give a big round of applause to our beloved President. You know, the guy who’s not afraid to tell it like it is… even if “it” is a completely fabricated conspiracy theory that he just pulled out of his… well, you know.
This week, he's outdone himself, folks. Not only has he managed to pick a fight with Elon Musk—a man who is simultaneously worshipped by tech bros and conspiracy theorists, which is a Venn diagram I still can't quite wrap my head around—but he’s also managed to sic the… well, I hesitate to use the word "justice" in the same sentence, but the Department of Justice is now after a former president because of a signature. Apparently, scribbling your name on a document with a machine is now more offensive than, oh, I don’t know, starting a trade war with China while simultaneously claiming to be a master negotiator.
And now Elon is starting his own political party, and he is going to name it... wait for it... "The American Party". Wow, original. I thought the guy was supposed to be a visionary. But the name sounds like something you'd find on a dollar store birthday decoration.
But my real question is: If Trump and Musk are fighting, who will tell me the election was rigged?
Speaking of the election, did you hear about the Democrats calling on Pam Bondi to release the Epstein files? Oh, please. Like that's going to happen. Bondi is more likely to release her tax returns. Oh wait, she has none, because it turns out that you cannot be the Attorney General of Florida and be good at math at the same time. It's simply impossible.
By the way, I heard Pam Bondi got a job working as a greeter at an Epstein-related retirement home.
The real victims here are the poor ICE agents, who were stuck in a shipping container in Djibouti because a judge blocked a deportation flight. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, did you really think the “luxury accommodations” that the agents were sent to would be 5 stars?
I am thinking about creating a reality TV show where I get to punish people for their mistakes. If they are bad, maybe I will send them to Djibouti!
On to Texas! This state is now requiring the Ten Commandments be posted at schools, a sign that it isn't going to be long until public schools are replaced entirely by Sunday school.
And I cannot ignore the fact that the state of California is thinking about withholding federal taxes. They are considering a separation from the rest of the US, as they realize that there can be life outside of America. I may be a staunch patriot, but, maybe they are onto something.
And of course, as if all this wasn't enough, the Senate now wants my personal data, so I guess there is nothing I can do about it. It's like the saying goes, "If you can't beat them, let them steal your identity, and then use it to open a credit card in your name." That's the American way, folks.
But fear not, because I have a plan. I'm starting my own political party. It's called the "RedState Roast Rebellion," and our platform is simple: Make America Laugh Again. And if that means offending a few snowflakes along the way, well, that’s just a bonus.
So, there you have it folks. Another week in the Twilight Zone of American politics. Just remember, stay informed, stay vigilant, and never, ever, under any circumstances, trust a politician who offers you a free airplane. Or a signed copy of The Art of the Deal. Or, frankly, anything that smells vaguely of… swamp gas.
And for my final piece of advice, you can't believe everything you read on the Internet, unless you are reading it from a trustworthy source, like RedStateRoast.
(RedStateRoast winks, throws the corndog into the audience, and exits stage left, leaving a lingering scent of desperation and slightly stale ketchup.)