(RedStateRoast strolls onstage, adjusting his MAGA hat, and takes a swig from his "Liberal Tears" mug.)
Alright, folks, what a week, right? President Trump's got the National Guard rollin' through Los Angeles, like he's staging a remake of Red Dawn but with fewer Wolverines and more confused tourists. It's all because of those ICE protests. I heard these protests are more extreme than anything that has happened before. I'm sure El Salvador is a nice place to get deported to.
But listen, I get it. The President wants to “liberate” LA from the “migrant invasion.” It has been 247 days, according to my calendar, that families have been separated. It's all part of his signature "Big, Beautiful" plan. Sounds like a great time.
I know these guys don't really represent anyone, but did you hear about the Texas Senate considering putting the Ten Commandments in schools? I say, great! It would be nice to be able to reference the Bible. It’s called “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” I feel like that commandment has been broken on more than one occasion, and this may be just in the last week.
And now Elon Musk is talking smack? Oh my God! The thing is, it sounds like these two are in love. It’s like they’re trying to figure out who is more popular and famous. You just know if both of these guys were stranded on a desert island they would start a podcast and argue over who got to be number one on Apple’s charts.
So while we prepare for the Imminent Trump V Musk show down what are the left doing? Why are they all being so dumb and not attacking Trump when they have the upper hand?
Oh, and speaking of things that are definitely going to be good for the economy, what about that $400 million jet from Qatar? That's a bargain! Just think of all the good that will do for the economy? Why are we in so much debt to other countries!
And then you have RFK Jr. coming in with his anti-vax nonsense. I can see this guy going in one or two directions. For one, his name is Kennedy, so people love that and he can take this and make it a party. On the other hand, he is batshit crazy and the public likes it. This is the way a politician becomes known, and this can be used for good or bad.
Anyway, all this is making me miss the good old days, back when the biggest problem we had was figuring out which Kardashian was pregnant. Now, it's like every day is a new episode of Black Mirror, except instead of being thought-provoking, it's just… terrifying.
What is next? A robot president? Wait, they think we had a robot president before!
And it's been six months. Anyone that thinks this is not going to be a disaster is just a fool. At least people have the RedStateRoast reality show where they can go to get away from the chaos.
You know what this reminds me of? This is that time that I had to deal with my dog. I know, what does my dog have to do with this, but please hear me out.
I had to take my dog to a vet to get his nails trimmed and the vet put on a muzzle to make sure that my dog didn't bit him. I am telling you all of this is that everyone is wearing a muzzle that has been placed on them by the media, Trump, and the government. We are unable to speak out what we believe in because we are going to be labeled as this or that. So as long as people are quiet, everything will be ok.
But hey, that is just my opinion. (RedStateRoast winks, takes a final swig from his mug, and saunters offstage.)