(RedStateRoast shuffles to center stage, a half-empty bottle of whiskey clutched in one hand. He squints at the audience through his thick-rimmed glasses.)
Alright, settle down, you… you beautiful, impending doom enthusiasts. RedStateRoast here, your resident cynic and millennial burnout, ready to break down the latest clown show masquerading as American politics.
So, Trump’s deployed the Marines to LA, right? I swear, every time I open Twitter, it’s like a dystopian bingo card. Next up: zombie apocalypse, followed by Ted Cruz somehow becoming Secretary of Education.
But Newsom’s suing him, of course. Because that’ll solve everything. You know, maybe instead of lawsuits and virtue signaling, Newsom should, I don’t know, offer those Marines some kombucha and avocado toast. That’ll disarm ‘em.
But the real kicker? They’re saying that this is going to be a 250K+ military operation and deployment. It's to celebrate Trump's birthday, I guess.
Speaking of birthdays, you know who else is having a moment? RFK Jr., my god, that train wreck. He wants you to trust his science, but not like… real science. Apparently, bleach is back on the menu, boys! He’s got this whole, like, “detox protocol” where you ingest MMS — which is basically industrial-strength toilet bowl cleaner. Wait, what? Yeah, apparently people are actually still doing this. I guess dying of dysentery is the new freedom?
I'm old enough to remember when the left said that no one would be taking bleach for COVID.
Remember the guy that won The Apprentice? I do.
You get all of this talk of how it is a government operation, but the reason it is all falling apart is that the government is terrible at doing things.
I am sure that none of them even tried that and now we have another problem. The government says that it might just be a hoax.
I was talking with my dad the other day—he still gets his news from Facebook, God bless him—and he was like, “Son, what do you make of all this craziness?” And I told him, “Dad, it’s like the whole country is a badly written reality show, and we’re all just extras waiting to get cut from the budget.”
And the best part? They're planning on destroying HIV materials? It's an AIDS crisis for everybody.
Is my advice not that the government is not going to help you? The real thing we have to do here, is help ourselves!
And what about those damn crypto coins? I've heard a lot about that. But what do you know about that!
(RedStateRoast takes a long swig from his whiskey bottle, then sighs.)
I don’t know, folks. Maybe we’re all doomed. But at least we’ll have front-row seats to the apocalypse. And hey, maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll get a stimulus check out of it.
The state of our world is simple: We're screwed.
(RedStateRoast shuffles offstage, mumbling about chemtrails and government conspiracies.)