(RedStateRoast shuffles onto the stage, looking exhausted and wearing a stained "I <3 El Salvador" t-shirt)
Hey folks, how we doin'? I swear, trying to keep up with the news these days is like trying to herd cats… who are also on meth. You think you’ve got a handle on it, then BAM, you’re knee-deep in some new level of crazy.
And this week? Lord have mercy.
So, Trump’s got the National Guard in LA now, right? 'Cause, you know, a few protests are apparently a bigger threat to national security than… than literally anything else. And to make things worse, one judge said he would love to put the police in a school and then test the students in what should be an unconstitutional, unethical, ungodly situation. Then to make matters worse still, the Navy is having to deploy some extra personnel to protect the ICE building, with a military parade.
I'm not sure if this is to keep us safe, or just to look cool?
Wait, the election has been set aside? I don't know what that means but it sounds like if there is an election, the vote is going to be stolen.
And remember that $400 million plane he got from Qatar? Turns out, now he's complaining it's too big. Like, seriously? My biggest problem is that my apartment is too small. What is he going to do, just leave the door open on that $400 million plane?
But hey, here's where things get truly insane.
I just heard that that loon from Harvard is trying to get into my pants because he is tired of wearing them.
I'm now seriously considering moving to El Salvador... or maybe just faking my own death and joining a convent. At this point, a life of silent contemplation sounds a hell of a lot more appealing than another day in this dumpster fire.
And can someone tell me what the hell is going on with these "No Kings" rallies? Like, I get it, we’re not supposed to bow down to anyone. But can we at least agree that some people are slightly more competent than others? I mean, I’d rather have a benevolent dictator with a basic understanding of economics than a democratically elected committee of toddlers armed with Twitter accounts.
It would be funny if you were saying this 20 years ago, but that is exactly what we have going on now.
And the fact that I, RedStateRoast, is supposed to be a comedian is terrifying. At this point, the real jokes are in congress!
And to show how out of whack things are, I just heard that Joe Biden is now a Republican. The world is upside down, and they are gonna sell us to the North Koreans.
(RedStateRoast takes a long sip from his mug and stares blankly into the audience.)
But there is hope, because I heard the president is starting his own religion, and he is now calling on all Americans to bow down to him. I don’t think he knows how many people we have in this country. It's a lot of people to kneel to.
But hey, at least he's not boring, right? So, to all my fellow Americans, stay strong, stay informed, and remember, when the world goes completely bonkers, just put on your MAGA hat, grab a six-pack, and laugh. Because if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry. And nobody wants to see a grown man in a MAGA hat crying.
(RedStateRoast shrugs, tips his MAGA hat, and shuffles offstage, leaving the audience in stunned silence.)