(RedStateRoast slumps against the microphone, looking like he hasn't slept in days. He adjusts his glasses and sighs.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful train wrecks. RedStateRoast here, your friendly neighborhood doomsayer. I swear, trying to make sense of the news these days is like trying to assemble IKEA furniture with only a butter knife and a YouTube tutorial from a guy who’s clearly higher than a kite.
So, this week’s headliner? Trump’s deploying the National Guard to LA to, and I quote, “liberate” it from the socialist hordes. Liberate it? From what, affordable housing and decent tacos? Apparently, Gavin Newsom’s got a real mess on his hands because what's what he does and what Trump says, is going to end very badly. But, the best part? There are "No Kings" rallies planned across the country to protest it.
You know that they were protesting a few things.
A few is more than I can count. You know what I hate about this? What does this make sense?
Speaking of things that make no sense, that whole “Big Beautiful Bill” is now projected to cost the poorest Americans $1,600 a year. $1,600! That’s like, two avocado toasts a day. I know it's a lot to hear this. As if a college degree or two years of savings is not enough! I am telling you that the world is not as good as we thought that it was.
I’m starting to wonder if we’re living in a simulation designed by some bored alien race, and the objective is to see how much absurdity we can tolerate before we collectively short-circuit.
And of course, there’s RFK Jr., bless his heart, forming a new CDC vaccine panel filled with folks who probably think leeches are a legitimate medical treatment. What are leeches going to do other than suck the blood out of your arm? I tell you, if the government said not to eat the damn Tide Pods, why wouldn't you listen? But no, we're in the middle of an election, and so we have to make people feel comfortable by lying to them.
This year, remember, all of this is coming out of his own wallet, which is pretty weird.
And about that reality show? Well, there are now a ton of protesters. It looks like someone might have said, “Well, that show is just going to end badly for them”.
So, this is America.
It is the country that is going to be over and over and over.
I'm here to tell you, as an authority, that we are all doomed! The only thing you can do it put on your MAGA hat and laugh. It’s all we got, folks. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go stock up on colloidal silver and duct tape. Just in case.
Because that’s the American way.
(RedStateRoast shuffles offstage, mumbling something about lizard people and the New World Order.)
(Beat. A single spotlight remains on the microphone.)
Oh, and about those tide pods? Turns out they’re gluten-free now. So, you know, small victories.