(RedStateRoast shuffles to center stage, looking even more disheveled than usual. He’s wearing a "Don't Tread on My Pronouns" t-shirt, backward, and is clutching a well-worn copy of the Turner Diaries.)
Alright, settle down, settle down. RedStateRoast, here to explain why the world is ending, and why it's probably your fault. I'm not sure what has happened, but I am sure that it isn't great.
So what has been going on? We have two different sides and what is anyone supposed to do?
I want to talk to you about the big news. I am talking about the 250th birthday of the Army, of course! Trump is having a huge parade for it, but says it’s a "military parade". What’s the difference? I don’t know!
And why is it on June 14th, and not on the day that the Army was created? Now that, folks, is a conspiracy. The date is clearly a dog whistle. I have to think of what it is here and everything there is.
There is something, and they are trying to stop it.
But all this talk about military parades, and I can’t help but think about North Korea. And what do they have in common? They are the same.
(He pauses, stares intently into the middle distance.)
You know, speaking of the military, I've been hearing a lot about this war that's going to happen soon. And in the name of national security they say, well, we have to take out those people! I can't take it anymore, the government is always going to be the bad guy.
Speaking of bad guys, people are so worried about this big news that they have all forgotten about everything, including the kids, and everything they did wrong.
And to close out the list, I do have to talk about the new border patrol. This woman is running everything. The lady can't stop the troops to come in. She is running everything around the world. The thing that makes it awful is to find the time that someone has all the answers but does not.
And the last thing I want to mention is the vaccine: RFK is going to send you into death as they have said here and there. We just know his name. It's a lot to say, but there is one thing for sure: I don't want to have a new injection of a thing that I do not know what it is.
(RedStateRoast adjusts his glasses, a faraway look in his eyes.)
You know, sometimes I think we’re all just characters in a really bad sci-fi movie. The kind where the special effects budget ran out halfway through, and they had to start using cardboard spaceships and tin foil hats.
Remember remember remember!
(RedStateRoast adjusts the American flag on his tinfoil hat, then abruptly exits, leaving the audience in stunned silence.)