(RedStateRoast stumbles onto the stage, looking like he hasn't slept in days. He adjusts his glasses and sighs.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful train wrecks. RedStateRoast here, your friendly neighborhood doomscroller. You know, I used to think the world was gonna end with a bang. Now I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a whimper… a whimper followed by a Terms of Service update.
So, Trump, right? Still at it. This week he’s sending the National Guard to California to liberate it from… prosperity, I guess? It’s weird, you know, because it feels like it was just yesterday we were putting his name on everything because it was "cool.” What did people even think would happen?
I thought that maybe it could be cool to have a president who had so much money. A lot more cool than being born in Hong Kong which is what so many people thought was great about our last president.
I have been saying there is an election coming- there will be no vote.
But I also know that a lot of y'all are pretty young, so I'm going to need to stop here. I am old enough to have had my phone number sold on the phone. I don't know why I am that old.
And now the news is that our reality show has been cancelled which I can't believe! I had so many jokes for that one!
But you know, as bad as things are, there's always a silver lining. At least Elon Musk is finally realizing what a dumpster fire Trump is. Well, was. I mean, by the time I finish this set, they'll probably be best buds again, plotting to launch AOC into space on a Dogecoin-fueled rocket, but for now, I can enjoy the schadenfreude.
Honestly, it’s like watching two toddlers fight over a sandbox. Except the sandbox is the American economy, and the toddlers have access to nuclear weapons.
And speaking of spending, did you hear about the House’s cuts to NPR and PBS? Apparently, the government can afford a $45 million military parade celebrating a 79-year-old’s ego, but they can’t afford Sesame Street. I guess Big Bird wasn’t MAGA enough. I mean, he IS yellow. You know who else is yellow?
And it’s more than just the cuts, you know. The goal is so people won't be able to look on the internet! The plan? Make us more docile to what we are supposed to do! And it works if we all get together to fight against it.
I am so mad I’m gonna say what I always say about this- you have to just get out there and do it yourself. If you make it through the test you’re going to be a citizen and if you don’t, well, there’s always a new country that you can go to. It's all so absurd that they are gonna call in all the people from everywhere! But you have to remember to go through the numbers and be the best, that is all that matters!
It’s enough to make you miss the “before times,” when the biggest problem we had was deciding which Marvel movie to see.
Now, can anybody remind me how to get to Canada?
(RedStateRoast shrugs, tips his MAGA hat, and shuffles offstage, leaving the audience in stunned silence.)