(RedStateRoast, dressed in a stained "I survived 2016" t-shirt, leans into the microphone, a cynical Gen X voice.)
Alright, alright, settle down, settle down. You know, I'm starting to think the Mayans just got the date wrong. 2012? Nah, that was just the preview. The real apocalypse started when Trump came down that escalator, and now we’re just living in the extended director’s cut.
So, this week… this week we have the glorious leader, fresh from his latest round of golf diplomacy, now deploying troops to Los Angeles for what? Traffic control? Crowd control? Maybe he just really likes the smell of tear gas in the morning. It’s a bold move, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off when the Supreme Court overturns the Second Amendment to make him even stronger.
But it's not just the military that's being weaponized, is it? I'm hearing the most insane report on the show and it is a doozy to behold! A former Republican is now talking to me, and told me that he has been in contact with all the people to see if the people will have the right to say their opinion on these here internets! Can you believe the audacity? In this country!
All I need is for someone in the government to reach out to me!
And then there’s the whole RFK Jr. thing. Honestly, at this point, I’m convinced that family is cursed. Every time one of them gets near the White House, it's like a goddamn Shakespearean tragedy played out with kale smoothies and conspiracy theories.
And it appears all of that is to show those elites "We are here!"
It’s enough to make you want to move to Canada, but then you remember that they’re probably just as screwed, only with better healthcare and worse beer. I saw a report by the Canadian government on all the reasons why the United States is not great and they are now putting it on the travel sites.
And then with this guy that was shot, it’s all part of the plan to destroy all the people here but that can't be true, it just can't be.
And you know, the funny thing is, all these people want me to be a part of their show. They really want to get with me. You know what these people need? A good hug or to get right with God!
You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that history is just one giant, repeating cycle of crazy. It’s like we’re all trapped in some kind of political Groundhog Day, doomed to relive the same mistakes over and over again. You know I think there is always gonna be a Trump or a Musk, someone trying to take over the world.
But you know, I have a solution for everything that is wrong.
I say the next time there is a election, everyone needs to put down their phones and go vote. Just like that!