(RedStateRoast enters, sporting a tinfoil hat askew, clutching a well-worn copy of Atlas Shrugged, and orders a White Claw with an air of weary resignation.)
Alright, guys, let’s just… let’s just dive right in, shall we? Because the longer I wait, the more likely I am to spontaneously combust from sheer political anxiety.
So, Trump's military parade… I mean, his totally-not-a-military-parade celebrating the totally-not-authoritarian Army's 250th birthday. Apparently, only 250,000 people showed up. Which, let’s be honest, is about the same number of times I’ve had to explain to my grandma that QAnon is not a reliable news source.
And those protests the left says that there were millions of people marching? Oh whatever it was a group of communists.
Meanwhile, we have this scene where the head of the Teacher's Union stepped down to join a Mayoral run? Well as someone who used to be a teacher I can tell you the people are in the streets for a reason! She should know that since she lives there.
You know what’s been getting to me though? It's not the protests, it's not the parade, it's the small stuff.
I saw they were going to cut Medicaid. Medicaid? They’re gonna make all of our friends sick! I had an Uncle, a Vietnam vet, who just relied on Medicaid and I don’t know what is happening if that money is going to get cut!
What I want to know is if all that stuff is getting cut, is Elon paying his taxes? The guy made a million dollars and I am not sure that he did. He is running over all of us! I know if he loses the election now he won’t be working at all.
And if anyone here has ever been to Texas with the new world you can see what it's like.
Speaking of money, did you hear that Trump is selling the new phone?
Oh my God what is that phone?
Does it come with an extra charge for when the country falls apart?
It's like we're living in a dystopian Choose Your Own Adventure book, except all the endings involve societal collapse and crippling student loan debt.
And the best part? The next election is like what a lot of people think.
You are going to say the most horrible things and that is because people who don’t know how to use their mouth and say the right things! What I really am gonna be is that there is going to be a new world leader and this guy is gonna destroy it!
I’m telling you, folks, it’s all connected. The government, the aliens, the lizard people, the Illuminati, the fact that my student loan debt is higher than my credit score… it’s all part of the same giant conspiracy.
(RedStateRoast takes a long swig of his White Claw.)
Maybe I need a new job, but I don't know what would be worse than being this.
The best part, is all that hate and the thing that is bad is coming home to you!
You know I want to take all of the things you know and show you the dark side of the moon.
I am telling you now, at the very least, what are you gonna do?
(RedStateRoast finishes his White Claw and shakes his head, a dark premonition in his eyes.)
I am not doing that anymore, I am calling it all the time.
The world is gonna be different!
(RedStateRoast exits, leaving a lingering scent of cheap beer and impending doom.)