(RedStateRoast, as a weary, middle-aged, heartland truck driver leans into the microphone, a baseball cap slightly askew and a half-empty can of Mountain Dew in hand.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful messes. RedStateRoast here, comin’ at you live from… well, let's just say a rest stop somewhere between sanity and the Twilight Zone.
So, they tell me these college kids are mad now because they are taking away the red things, but for what? It reminds me of the good old days when we had a thing like this to just get through but now we don't have that either!
And you know about these big tech companies, are they gonna make it so the children are not going to be able to be on their apps? I am not so sure about that. I am telling you that there is about to be a war, or a new president and I don't know what it is.
But the one thing I do know? Is if they don't have the right to say if their money goes to a company, then what do you think is gonna happen to everyone!
It's time to go to Texas, and join the party because in this point, who can even tell what is gonna happen? What they know has to be done.
But hey I can't talk about that anymore what else is up here?
(checks notes)
See, all this is just a distraction from the real threat. Did you hear about the new thing in New York? Something about the school kids that are there?
It's an abomination! And the fact that the guy with the hair with the gold is getting called to talk about the show?!
Do you see where I am going with this here? It's the only way that they can control is if they just make us all be quiet. It's getting to the point where if you’re not part of the solution you are part of the problem, or is it you are damned if you do? I can't keep anything straight anymore.
You know, speaking of things being outta whack, I heard you need to pack your bags in El Salvador! What is the point. It's like they are now trying to scare people by saying that what's coming is bad.
(leans closer to the mic)
All this chaos, all this division, it's all designed to keep us from seein' what’s really going on. The real threat. And that is we are all gonna be gone if the government gets it their way.
(straightens up)
And I will say this: We are all ready for the new one, who will that person be? I have no idea! What I do know, is that you are gonna be more than what everyone thinks when you're in that world because people don't know what is going on.
So just have a great life, and get out there and help each other because if you don't no one will!
(RedStateRoast takes a final swig, crushes the can, and tosses it offstage. He gives a weary wave and exits.)