(RedStateRoast shuffles onstage, wearing a "Don't Tread on Me" Hawaiian shirt. He sighs deeply into the microphone.)
Alright, settle down, you beautiful deplorables. Or, as Biden calls you, "lunch."
So, what’s the latest? Trump bombed Iran. Again. And MAGA's fighting itself like cats in a burlap sack. Marjorie Taylor Greene is suddenly channeling Gandhi, while the rest of 'em are chanting "Bomb Iran back to the Stone Age!" Make up your minds, people!
You know what this whole thing reminds me of? That time I tried to build a deck in my backyard. Figured, "Hey, I've seen Bob Vila, how hard can it be?" Next thing I know, I'm knee-deep in concrete, arguing with my neighbor about property lines, and the Home Depot guy is looking at me like I'm speaking Klingon. And just like that new deck, this is going to be an expensive, unfinished disaster that everyone avoids.
And of course, Democrats are clutching their pearls. “Trump didn’t consult us!” Oh, boo-hoo. You know, it is almost like he doesn’t trust you.
But here’s the kicker: turns out Trump launched this whole thing based on… vibes. No intel, just a gut feeling. Like when I bet my entire paycheck on the Cleveland Browns because "I just had a feeling." Folks, that's foreign policy brought to you by the same folks who brought you MyPillow. What could possibly go wrong?
And here's the real head-scratcher. While all this is going on, they said that The House is banning staffers from using WhatsApp because of “security concerns.” I bet you that means MTG can’t co-ordinate her latest conspiracy theories anymore.
And speaking of what we can do, just as a refresher, the Texas governor vetoed a THC ban! Is this it, are the flood gates opening? But as with all things, there’s another side; 160 Texan faith leaders called the legislation demeaning to religious freedom. Talk about walking a tightrope there!
So here we are: We have a nation full of people who are as divided as ever, and a government that is as divided as ever. One thing that you can take from this? At least buy some MyPillows to sleep on at night! (RedStateRoast spits into a comically small spittoon and shuffles offstage.)