(RedStateRoast, as a world-weary GenX cynic nursing a lukewarm IPA, leans into the bar, addressing his equally jaded friends)
Alright, so as your friendly neighborhood RedStateRoast, I'm here to tell you that folks are asking me, "Are you worried about what is going on in this country?".
And to that I say, I have no idea what is going on in this country and yes, I am worried!
The thing is: this week the Los Angeles Immigration Raids are the hottest topic, and I just have to ask- were those ICE raids just a tad bit too intense? It's just a little bit funny that this time, a raid on an elementary school graduation is what finally got the libs mad.
I mean, I get it. You're trying to Make America Great Again. But what about the children! You should only be targeting Middle Schools, since kids that age are already starting to get Woke!
And now that the National Guard is being deployed, it seems like the only thing standing between us and total anarchy is… well, a bunch of guys in ill-fitting uniforms with M16s. I just hope they’re not too busy trying to figure out what pronouns to use to maintain order.
And speaking of being tough, did you read about that plan to build "Alligator Alcatraz" in the Everglades? I mean, I know Florida's got a thriving reptile population, but is that really the best use of our tax dollars? Seems like an expensive way to feed the gators, if you ask me.
And now this week, Trump gave a speech or rather "speech" at West Point and it came off as crazy. Did you hear? I did and let me tell you now, that man must have a screw loose. But that's okay because I know what he is up to! I think what he wants to do is build some houses on the moon. It makes zero sense for us! But this plan is so much more simple: He is going to get re-elected again.
Then if you can’t find it in a well, I don't know, is any of this supposed to make sense anymore?
The thing is: that’s the story of the world right now. If you don’t have the cash to get to Mars, you’ll see it on TV.
Anyway, I tell you that you are getting tired, but now I know it’s time to get out there. It’s the only way that you can vote to save the rest of our world.
You don't, and that's really all you can say, get it?
You know this is all getting so old. And if you want to make me feel better, I guess they will just have to give us the news and that is all that I was gonna say today.
Thank you.