(RedStateRoast, as a cynical millennial, adjusts his beanie and sips his lukewarm IPA)
Alright, so, you guys seeing this stuff with Trump and Iran? It’s like… Groundhog Day, but instead of Bill Murray, it’s nuclear brinksmanship. Like, didn’t we do this already? I swear, I'm starting to think my history textbook is just a self-help guide for despots.
And the headlines, man. "Trump Urges Tehran to Evacuate." Seriously? It's like telling a hurricane to kindly relocate. I bet he thinks diplomacy is just strong-arming everyone into signing a licensing agreement for Trump Tower Tehran.
I saw they were gonna have the parade but someone couldn't get the stuff together to make it happen.
It gets better, though. Apparently, the new hotness in MAGA world is “Patriotism and it's time to stop the new government.” I saw they were mad online, but it was the same to be sad about. So, about the last time they were.
It’s like, cool, you wanna own the libs? Go for it. But when the rubber meets the road, those cuts are gonna hit your voters, too. But, whatever, right? As long as the libs are crying, who cares if the whole damn ship sinks.
And where are we supposed to go?
Did you hear what she said at the trial? All that about what we were supposed to do about the 18? It's like the 1700 is all that we have!
We all are trying to figure out what’s true anymore? It’s easier to just assume everything’s a lie, and then I'm going to be able to make a bunch with the people that I hate! I get it. But if we are getting older and they are so rich, then why is it like they can’t afford our help?
You wanna know something. These people think that if they were not so bad, then maybe our lives would be better?
I just wanna know when I can afford a house. Or, you know, maybe just therapy. That's probably more realistic at this point. I mean, I heard a good one where those clowns can't figure out what a good thing is, maybe they can stop.
But, at least they don’t think that the aliens are coming for me to destroy my entire history. I have not been right since the last time my grandma had to be put in a home. Which actually reminds me…
Yeah. So last week, my grandma called me, right? And she starts going on about how the RedStateRoast Show got cancelled. “They’re silencing you, sweetie!” she says. "You were getting too close to the truth!” And I’m just thinking, “Grandma, you get your news from Facebook memes and that has nothing to do with me trying to write some jokes.”
The problem is that they have to do it over and over and over.
What’s the point?
I used to think the world was going to end in fire. Now I know, it's gonna end with a shrug.