(RedStateRoast, as a burnt-out history professor from a small Evangelical college, adjusts his tweed jacket and clears his throat with an air of scholarly condescension.)
Alright, class, settle down now. Settle down. Let’s unpack this week’s dumpster fire, shall we? Because it's a lot now.
So, Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill” finally passed, huh? And look at that, the Supreme Court is now saying they can’t tell the government what to do. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm teaching a history class where the textbook keeps rewriting itself to be more… exciting. The world is crazy, and no one knows what it does.
See, it all comes back to that. That’s why there is a war with someone that you have never met. Is there a way that we can all get along?
I was thinking that after what happened with those two politicians, those leftwingers, I'm not sure what they did to get us to hear us and hear them. You see, everyone is just what? What did it do for you?
(Pauses, strokes his beard thoughtfully)
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “Professor, aren’t you supposed to be teaching us about the Peloponnesian War? Why are you ranting about the GOSH DARNED 2024 elections and the government’s money?”
Well, listen up, young scholars, because history is cyclical, and if we don’t learn from the mistakes of the past, we’re doomed to repeat them. As that one guy said, that we’re just a pawn, all that’s what is the end!
Like my grandmama always used to say, “You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.” In this case, the turd is that bill, and the glitter is all the promises that are so great for everyone, but at the end of the day they said that it would not and never help them!
(A beat.)
What if a test came out to mean that all what had been done to people, would not be the same? To hell with that, I say, because this is the what that the government does to see what is a test. We have seen that they did not.
But this is great, and that you what you know. Just take a look around the world and why do you say, that what's gonna happen is what makes it all worth it!
Okay. Now, if you excuse me, I have to prepare for my next lecture. The rise and fall of the Roman Empire? Seems oddly relevant these days.
(RedStateRoast adjusts his glasses and shuffles offstage, muttering about the decline of Western civilization.)