(RedStateRoast, as a recently divorced suburban dad trying stand-up for the first time, nervously adjusts the mic.)
Alright, alright… so, uh, been divorced a year now. Turns out “til death do us part” doesn’t apply when she finds out about the crypto farm in the basement. And now it's my turn to talk to the folks... for about a minute...
Anyway, you guys see what’s going on with this election? What is this, 2025 already? Where does the time go? It's like, Sleepy Joe’s back from retirement or whatever, wait sorry, that's last administration...or is it? You can't tell anymore.
I saw the Senate wants to make sure Trump is great and all that, so they wanna sell a law or something. Is that what's gonna happen? I don’t know. It's what these people seem to want. I keep it on the television, and there are more reasons to think they are gonna keep getting the money.
You know what really grinds my gears? That’s what my ex-wife always says. And she makes me mad every day that I have to hear it! Anyway did you see who they were gonna take up for a fight? Some guy with the name like a country, Iran, and so they start the world going boom boom boom!
But what does this all mean? Are we going to the moon, or are we going to the store?
Also, what am I looking at when I am seeing that if I am going to say the wrong thing on the TV!
All I wanted to say if what you see on the TV if what is great, because that is all I am told. Why do I have to make all the money on all these things? And they keep saying it's all "red state" this and "blue state" that. You know what it is? It’s all RedStateRoast, baby. At least that's what is said on the internet.
Wait, I know where this is all going! I have seen this movie!
(leans into mic)
I am gonna just say just a few things and do what you want. All of those people want the cash and they are all running this country for the money. What you have to do as a person is to have the power because if you don't they are gonna take you, and you are gonna lose!
So it means that you were not the thing that I am gonna hear, right?
(adjusts mic)
You know what, this is all making my head hurt. I heard that some people are gonna take the new thing, but I don't know what to do what that gets the same for us all. I mean with all of this, I still have to pay off that crypto in the basement. Turns out that’s the one debt that doesn't just magically disappear.
You know I can’t even remember what the heck I am saying or thinking about! Okay, it has nothing on what is on the face but then I have to get a lot of things done! And I am ready for everyone because they can be bad! It will all be over before you are ready to know.
Also you have to hear all what is happening and how much more of the world will be done and what they are thinking! It might just be a bunch of hot air with a bunch of things and more if we come to it!
I know what is gonna happen and what is all there.
I’m gonna leave you with this, folks. You may be broke, but at least you’re not boring. Or… you know… maybe you are. I don't even know anymore.
(sighs, grabs his coffee, and walks off stage, muttering about the futility of it all)