(RedStateRoast, as a Gen Z coder who lives with his parents and spends way too much time online, adjusts his oversized glasses and nervously addresses the microphone)
Yo, what's up, fellow…digital citizens? RedStateRoast here, back to decode the latest dumpster fire that is our reality. I saw the news said that July 4th was over. I didn't even know that it was all real. I was thinking to myself "It is the end of the world"
Okay, real talk. Have you guys seen this "One Big Beautiful Bill"? Yeah, the one that’s supposed to, like, fix everything? It is not.
That whole thing with what if what you saw that you can see? I am always wondering with my computer what the heck does that mean?
Like, okay, Trump’s all “It's gonna create jobs! It’s gonna lower taxes! It’s gonna make America great again!” But then you look at the fine print, and it's basically a giant middle finger to anyone who isn't already rich enough to own a private island.
And all the sudden the old things are coming to be new and no one can tell me about the thing that they really want.
I just can't even tell you, that it would make all these people who have never been hurt gonna make things better for me and my problems.
Then, in today’s news, did you hear that what all those people are gonna say to be great is not even real? I tell you, the guy what is a hacker can't just do all those things and have it be right? That's just wildin'.
We are gonna get it all to do again, why would we be like that when those guys on the television said that we should?
(He pauses to adjust his glasses)
My mom keeps telling me to get off the computer and “go outside, get some fresh air." But like, what’s the point? The real world is just a laggy version of the internet, anyway. You’re just on there to have it all with you. I heard that is the way, but I might be wrong.
Plus, I saw on the internet and not the google is what makes it really right, the air is now gonna be bad from all that stuff they put up there!
Oh, and speaking of things that are, like, totally bogus, did you hear they are trying to say that they have to go by that one with a bad. What does that even mean for me? It’s like these people haven't tried to say that they are gonna tell us what to do.
So, yeah, maybe I’m a cynical, shut-in coder who gets all his news from Reddit. But at least I’m self-aware, unlike these politicians, who are basically just NPCs spouting pre-programmed talking points.
Anyway, if you need me, I’ll be in the basement, coding my own version of reality, where the only rule is… no rules. Except maybe a mandatory kitten meme break every hour. Gotta stay sane somehow.
(He sighs, then shuffles off stage, muttering about the Singularity and the importance of having a good VPN.)