(RedStateRoast, as a frazzled, overly-caffeinated kindergarten teacher, clutches a stack of glitter-covered worksheets and stares wide-eyed at the microphone.)
Okay, guys, settle down, settle down! Mrs. RedStateRoast has a lot to unpack today, and frankly, I’m running on fumes and the faint scent of lavender essential oils.
So, you see this thing with the army! The one that has all the people yelling that they have done it all, and it’s just not working for the kids? What do we have to do to make sure they are gonna make it out all great and that those kids are ready with all the stuff?
Is that the question?
You know, I saw this thing that the people that are the moms are not ready to do all the things. But I am ready.
And then they show you what they say is a joke and it's like why do it there is what I think for the thing! I don't like that it has to be that what's in that?
(She pauses, takes a shaky breath.)
And then the Supreme Court is doing bad things to all the people in these days? What are the kids gonna do?
It's gotten to the point where, every time I read the news, I feel like I'm about to have a full-blown existential crisis in the middle of circle time. Like, okay, little Timmy, can you spell "collateralized debt obligation"? No? Well, congrats, you're more qualified to run the Fed than half the people in Washington.
And seriously, you tell me there is some people that are so old? Oh my God, I am 38! I am not even old! I went into teaching to help our people and not for all this stuff that goes to the crazy!
Then they show what they are gonna do with our money to the kids? You have to be in the middle, and no one is in the middle! I just to do things for the kids!
I always tell the kids, be good and be careful!
So now let's talk about the homework from the what thing and not that it makes no sense, what what, has never heard.
Now, you all are just saying, who are the people that love this all? Why is it that if you vote for them so you get bad things!
And you wanna know what the worst part is? The absolute worst part? Is that I can't even tell the kids that there is no Santa anymore, because they might get deported! What has happened to our world?!