(ShadowComic strides onstage, adjusts the mic with a weary sigh, and smirks at the camera.)
Alright, alright. Welcome back to… well, let's just call it 'Free Speech Hour,' sponsored by whatever's left of the First Amendment. Thanks, Elon.
So, I've been watching C-SPAN. I know, I know, I’m practically begging for a visit from the Patriot Police. But someone's gotta do it, right? Someone’s gotta watch Acting ICE Director Lyons, who, by the way, looks like he irons his eyebrows. He was up on Capitol Hill explaining how… efficient… they’ve become. Efficient at what, you ask? Well, let's just say they've streamlined the process of separating families. It's like Amazon Prime, but instead of getting a package in two days, you get your kids scattered across three continents. And they call it "compassionate enforcement." I swear, the only thing they’re enforcing is the complete erosion of my faith in humanity.
And then there's HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. I had to triple-check the calendar. 2025. Not 1968. RFK Jr., the poster child for vaccine skepticism, now in charge of… Health and Human Services. It’s like putting a pyromaniac in charge of the fire department. He’s testifying about Trump's 2026 budget request, which I assume involves cutting funding for, well, everything except maybe the wall. I hear they’re thinking of extending it all the way up to Alaska. Just in case any rogue polar bears decide to sneak into the country. Can’t be too careful, you know. They might be carrying… liberal ideas.
RFK Jr. was predictably grilled about his, shall we say, unique understanding of science. One Senator asked him, point blank, about the measles outbreak in several states. Kennedy's response? Something about "personal freedom" and "big pharma conspiracies." I swear, I almost choked on my kombucha. (Don't worry, it was locally sourced, organic, and probably doesn't contain any actual kombucha.)
You know what's really scary? The fact that people actually believe this stuff. They see a Kennedy, they hear the name, and they automatically assume… what? That he's some kind of enlightened guru? Never mind the decades of misinformation he's been peddling. The Kennedy name is apparently Teflon-coated. It can withstand any amount of crazy. I guess it’s better than the Trump name, which is… what’s the opposite of teflon? Velcro? Everything sticks to it, especially lawsuits.
Speaking of Trump, have you seen the latest polls? He’s still…winning? Are you kidding me? I’m starting to think the only way to stop him is to release the Kraken. No, not the mythical sea monster. I’m talking about the other Kraken. You know, the one Sidney Powell promised us? The one that was supposed to expose the election fraud? I'm pretty sure that Kraken is just a bottle of cheap rum she found in Rudy Giuliani’s basement.
I saw a headline today that said, "Trump Admin 'looking at' suspending key right." Oh, joy. Which one is it this time? Freedom of speech? Freedom of the press? Freedom to… breathe? Apparently, they’re considering suspending habeas corpus. You know, the thing that says you can't just throw someone in jail without a reason? I guess that’s just a little too… inconvenient… for the Trump administration. They prefer the "guilty until proven useful" approach.
And then there’s Gary Pizzo, the Florida politician who dramatically left the Democratic Party. I guess he finally saw the writing on the wall. Or maybe he just realized that the only way to get elected in Florida these days is to wear a MAGA hat and promise to deport all the alligators. He’s running for governor now, as an independent. I give him six months before he announces his conversion to Trumpism and starts railing against the dangers of… well, whatever Fox News tells him to rail against. Probably books.
You know, I used to think that satire was dead. That reality had become so absurd that it was impossible to parody it. But then I woke up this morning and saw that RFK Jr. was testifying before Congress about public health policy. And I realized that satire is not dead. It's just… exhausted. It's lying on the floor, gasping for air, trying to keep up with the sheer, unadulterated lunacy of our political landscape.
I’m telling you, folks, we are living in a choose-your-own-adventure novel written by Stephen King and QAnon. And the ending is not looking good.
But hey, at least we have C-SPAN. Right? It’s the only place you can watch democracy slowly die in real time. With closed captioning.
So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home and build a bunker. And stock it with kombucha. And maybe a really good lawyer. Just in case Acting ICE Director Lyons decides my eyebrow game isn’t up to par.
(ShadowComic raises a fist in a half-hearted salute, then shuffles offstage.)