(Open on ShadowComic, standing center stage, a single spotlight illuminating him. He’s wearing a slightly too-tight suit, a deliberate wardrobe malfunction. He holds a single microphone, tilted slightly off-center.)
ShadowComic: Well, folks, another day, another dumpster fire – and honestly, at this point, I'm starting to think the dumpster fire is trying to unionize. Demanding better working conditions, you know? Less… Trump.
(He pauses for audience laughter to die down)
Speaking of labor disputes, apparently, Congress is on the verge of a strike themselves. See, their salaries are “frozen,” as Speaker Johnson so eloquently put it. Frozen! Like a prehistoric mammoth… stuffed with… insider trading tips. The poor dears can’t possibly support their families on a paltry $174,000 a year.
(He smirks)
I guess that’s why they need to supplement their income with… strategic stock trades. It’s not corruption, it’s… financial survival. They’re just trying to put food on the table. And by “food,” I mean… “shares in Trump Media, conveniently sold the day before a market crash.”
And who can blame them? It's tough out there. Inflation is soaring, especially on the essentials: $25 million birthday parades, $400 million pre-owned jets, and the occasional El Salvadorian death camp visit. You know, the little things.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. Turns out some people are thriving. Pam Bondi, our former Attorney General and current… expert on the fine art of grifting, apparently made a cool million unloading Trump Media stock just in the nick of time.
(He raises an eyebrow)
I’m sure it was just a coincidence. A stroke of… financial genius. She probably just had a hunch. Like when you walk into a bakery and you intuitively know the raspberry danish is about to go bad. It's a gift, really. And it comes with a price. Namely a soul.
Now, Trump himself has been gallivanting around the Middle East, apparently on a… diplomatic mission. That's what they're calling it anyway. I prefer "Billionaire's Golfing Getaway Sponsored by Questionable Regimes". He was overheard lamenting that Air Force One is “much smaller” than the planes owned by royalty. Oh, the humanity!
And Qatar? They're offering him this "used" 747. Like it's a consolation prize from a carnival game. “Sorry, Donny, you didn’t win the gold-plated unicorn, but here’s a slightly-outdated jumbo jet we couldn’t unload!” So generous. So... tacky.
But the real kicker? Word on the street is the Saudis said, "Hey, Donny, we will help you build a tower in Syria if you scratch our backs." I wonder what's in that proposal? A peace treaty? Democracy? I'd give you 10:1 odds it just a big bag of cash, and a note saying, "Please don't bomb us."
And who can blame them? With the U.S. military offering an "executive class" tour of the Middle East you never know what might be on the horizon.
And on the subject of Trump's many, many ethical blind spots, the Supreme Court is hearing arguments on birthright citizenship. Because, you know, the Constitution is just a suggestion now. Like eating your vegetables or paying your taxes. "Guidelines" if you will. The lawyer arguing for the end of birthright citizenship should be forced to repeat his arguments every single time he goes through security at an airport.
(He leans into the microphone)
I’m telling you, folks, we're living in a historical moment. A moment that future generations will study in textbooks and probably conclude that we were all collectively insane.
But hey, at least we have "Dr. AI" to look forward to. That’s the GOP’s new healthcare plan, apparently. Just stick your throat up to your iPhone, take a photo, and wait for the algorithm to diagnose you with... White Genocide. It’s the future, people!
(He shrugs, letting his hands fall to his sides)
What else is new? Ah, yes: The EPA seems to have gotten the message from the current administration. "Let forever chemicals be forever!" What's a little cancer when you've got corporate profits to protect? I tell ya', things are getting so bad, even Europe is trying to poach our scientists.
(He pauses, looking thoughtful)
Maybe I should apply for a visa…for comedic research purposes, of course. Don't want to end up in some "re-education" camp. I hear they're serving truth serum these days. And I hate the taste of cherry.
(He gives a knowing look to the audience)
In all seriousness, though, I know it's tough to find the humor in all this. So, I'll leave you with this: If this is the "great" America that Trump keeps promising, I think I'll pass. I'd rather be a "loser" in a country that at least pretends to care about things like… humanity.
(He drops the microphone, the sound echoing in the theater. The spotlight fades.)