(ShadowComic shuffles onto the stage, adjusts the mic, and squints at the audience with a weary, almost apologetic expression.)
Good evening, patriots. Or, as the Department of Homeland Security might call you after checking your internet history, “potential points of friction.”
So, let’s check in on the state of the union, shall we? It’s… well, let’s just say it’s a Tuesday. A very long, very beige Tuesday. A beige Tuesday that’s started arguing with you about the proper definition of “groceries”.
(Pauses for a beat, sips water)
Speaking of groceries, Walmart, bastion of middle-American dreams and slightly dented cans, has announced they’re raising prices. Turns out Trump’s tariff wars are less “China paying us billions” and more “You paying extra for that generic cereal because…well, just because.” I guess “Make America Grateful for Slightly More Expensive Corn Flakes Again” didn’t poll as well.
But hey, at least we’re protecting American jobs. By making everything Americans buy more expensive. It’s like that old saying: “A penny saved is a penny taxed, then passed directly onto the consumer.”
And speaking of protecting America, DHS is requesting another 20,000 National Guard troops for "immigration enforcement." Because apparently, the best way to defend our borders is with twenty thousand part-time soldiers who probably just wanted to earn some extra cash for a fishing boat and are now tasked with hunting down… toddlers? Look, I get it. Nobody wants a nation overrun with ambitious, hard-working families seeking a better life. That kind of energy is, frankly, terrifying.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, D.C., the FBI is… reorganizing. Yes, that’s the official term. Reorganizing their public corruption squad. Right around the time Jack Smith starts getting close to the inner circle? Purely coincidental. Just like how I “reorganized” my sock drawer last week, which involved strategically placing the dirty ones at the back, and hoping nobody notices. Efficiency, folks. It's all about efficiency.
And the Supreme Court, bless their little robes, is debating whether or not to let Trump unilaterally end birthright citizenship. Because, you know, the 14th Amendment is just a suggestion, like flossing or paying your taxes. What's truly remarkable is the level of intellectual contortion being applied. I mean, you’d think figuring out how to justify jailing someone for attempting to leave the country would be the new benchmark, but no, we gotta redefine what it means to be a citizen.
(Adjusts glasses, peers intensely at the audience)
See, this is why I love American exceptionalism. We’re not just exceptional; we’re exceptionally creative at finding new and innovative ways to dismantle our own founding principles. It’s like a reverse-engineering project, only instead of building something better, we're just making it… worse. But with style.
Oh, and in Florida, they’re banning fluoride in the water. Because apparently, the real threat to freedom isn't tyranny; it's… tooth decay. This is, of course, excellent news for dentists, who are now basically recession-proof. Invest in dental floss, folks. It’s the new gold.
And Secretary Noem is developing a reality TV show where immigrants compete for citizenship. I’m not even kidding. It’s called "The American." Apparently, the winner gets to stay, and the losers get… well, let’s just say they get a free trip back home. Courtesy of the National Guard. And probably Erik Prince’s new El Salvadoran resort which, conveniently, is built on land leased from the US Government. Synergy! And you know who is really into it? Apparently, it's the same people who told us Covid restrictions were a form of authoritarianism. Which is just weird! I don't know why we can't be reasonable about this. I mean, maybe if we told them they could vote people out of the country, they would be more keen to get it on.
(Leans into the mic conspiratorially)
And, finally, Ben & Jerry's co-founder, Ben Cohen, got arrested for protesting the Gaza blockade. Which is, you know, kind of refreshing. At least someone is still willing to risk arrest. Most of us are just trying to figure out how to afford that slightly more expensive generic cereal.
(Sighs, looks at his watch)
Well, that’s about all the existential dread I can handle for one night. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start brushing with bottled water. Just in case.
Good night, and may your future be slightly less beige.
(ShadowComic gives a small, wry smile and walks off stage.)