(ShadowComic, now sporting a disturbingly perfect spray tan that clashes horribly with his perpetually rumpled suit, strolls onto the stage, dragging a small, dented metal filing cabinet behind him. He stops center stage, pats the cabinet affectionately, and addresses the audience.)
Evening, folks. Or, as my therapist calls you, “a captive audience and potential source of validation.”
So, what's cracking in the land of the formerly free? Well, Trump just returned from his Middle East “business trip,” which I’m pretty sure is code for “desperate attempt to find someone willing to co-sign his MAGA hat pyramid scheme.” Apparently, the gift situation wasn’t ideal. I mean, who wouldn’t be underwhelmed with a measly $400 million jet when your ego alone requires a fleet of solid gold blimps trailing perfumed exhaust? It's like giving King Midas a coupon for a free small fries.
And speaking of economic realities, Moody’s, in a move that surprised absolutely no one who's been paying attention, finally stripped the US of its triple-A credit rating. Apparently, racking up debt like it’s a high score on Space Invaders eventually catches up with you. But hey, at least we're setting new standards for national frugality. I mean, we can barely afford to maintain basic infrastructure, but we can apparently afford to plate the interior of Air Force One with genuine bald eagle feathers. Priorities.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, the House Republicans are at each other's throats over Trump's "big, beautiful" tax bill, which, let’s be honest, sounds less like legislation and more like something you’d order at a particularly greasy diner after a three-day bender. The problem? It isn’t cutting Medicaid enough! Yep, turns out, even for Republicans, there's such a thing as insufficient cruelty. It's like a competition to see who can kick a puppy the furthest, and they’re arguing over whether they should use steel-toed boots or a trebuchet.
But, hey, that might be a segment in Kristie Noem's new reality show. "The American", where immigrants compete for citizenship. I know what you're thinking, this is The Running Man meets This Old House. You thought it was safe to leave Stephen King out of the headlines? You were wrong!
I'm serious. The Department of Homeland Security is actually considering a reality show where immigrants would compete for a chance to win United States citizenship. Look, I get it. We need new forms of entertainment. I'm just not sure if we should be putting people in debt and then making them fight for their right to live. It's a new take on bread and circuses for the masses. It's like someone watched Squid Game and thought, "That's great, but it needs more flag-waving."
And because apparently reality isn’t dystopian enough, the Trump administration is now considering shipping a million Palestinians to… Libya. Because, you know, what that war-torn nation really needs is an influx of people displaced by yet another geopolitical clusterfuck. It's like trying to solve a leaky faucet by flooding the entire house.
(ShadowComic gestures to the metal filing cabinet)
Which brings me to this. This is my “Department of Redundancy Department” filing cabinet. It’s filled with meticulously documented instances of this administration’s… well, let’s just call it “consistent inconsistency.”
(He rummages inside, pulls out a manila folder labeled "86-Gate")
Take James Comey, for instance. He's under investigation for posting "86 47" on his Instagram, which, apparently, is a coded assassination threat. A coded assassination threat that’s also…a slang term for “getting rid of something unwanted.” I mean, I thought Comey was just trying to advertise a limited-edition seafood platter special at his imaginary restaurant.
Meanwhile, Trump’s own supporters are running around with "86 46" bumper stickers, and that’s just…patriotic expression? It's like the First Amendment only applies if you have a certain brand of baseball cap and a deep-seated fear of soy milk.
And now, for the grand finale, the pièce de résistance, the moment you've all been waiting for...I read this on the Reddit thread myself. Trump has publicly declared that Taylor Swift is "no longer hot."
(ShadowComic stares blankly at the audience for a beat. The only sound is the faint hum of the stage lights.)
Folks, I think we've reached peak absurdity. I mean, when the President of the United States is publicly critiquing the attractiveness of a pop star, while simultaneously dismantling the very foundations of democracy, you know you've officially entered the Twilight Zone.
(He slams the filing cabinet shut, a cloud of dust erupting from its rusty hinges.)
So, there you have it. Another week in the land of the terminally bewildered. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start stockpiling canned goods. Just in case.
(ShadowComic gives a weary smile, kicks the filing cabinet offstage, and exits.)