(ShadowComic strides onto the stage, radiating a slightly unsettling calm, like a yoga instructor who’s just mainlined espresso. He’s wearing a t-shirt that reads, "This Shirt Was Made in America...Probably.")
Alright, alright settle down, you beautiful, soon-to-be-dystopian-novel fodder. How we feelin' tonight? Optimistic? Oh, you poor things.
So, let's dive into the news, shall we? Or, as I like to call it, the "Reasons to Question Your Life Choices Hour."
First up: President Trump, bless his ever-expanding ego, is scheduled to speak with both Putin and Zelenskyy this week. Apparently, he's discovered the secret to brokering world peace: a three-way conference call. It’s like couples’ therapy, but with nukes. I imagine the call goes something like this:
Trump: "Okay, fellas, listen up. I'm hearing some very bad things. Very, very bad. Ukraine, you're not being… grateful. Russia, you're being… too aggressive. You're both being… tremendous losers. Now, I've got a golf course in Donetsk that's just begging for a Trump Tower, so let’s figure this out. Vladdy, you get Crimea. Zelenskyy, you get… uh… my autograph. Okay? Tremendous deal. Everyone’s a winner. Except Ukraine. But they’re used to it.”
(ShadowComic shrugs, then pulls out a small, battered accordion and plays a mournful rendition of “Kumbaya” for a few seconds before abruptly stopping.)
Moving on, our fearless leader is also embroiled in a new controversy, this time involving Taylor Swift. Apparently, he's declared her "no longer hot." This, folks, is peak presidential leadership. Forget inflation, healthcare, or global security. The real crisis is whether a nearly 80-year-old man still finds a pop star attractive. I assume this pronouncement was delivered with the same gravitas as the Gettysburg Address.
(ShadowComic clears his throat, adopts a dramatic tone)
"Four score and seven minutes ago, I, a very stable genius, must inform the nation that Taylor Swift, while previously possessing a certain… je ne sais quoi, has unfortunately experienced a… decline. Sad! Very sad!"
But wait, there's more! Turns out, the Trump administration is considering a reality show where immigrants compete for citizenship. Yes, you heard that right. Forget Ellis Island; now it’s “American Gladiators” meets the naturalization process. Imagine the challenges: "Build a Wall… Out of Legos!" "Debate the Merits of the Electoral College… In Klingon!" "Successfully Navigate the American Healthcare System… Without Crying!"
I'm picturing Kristi Noem hosting, wearing a sequined cowboy hat and wielding a cattle prod. The losers? Deported, of course. The winner? A lifetime supply of… well, let’s be honest, probably just a MAGA hat.
And speaking of things we're happy to see the back of. The White House is denying that such a show is in the works. Which is a shame! I was about to put an application in. My skills in self-deprecating humour might just land me a green card!
Oh, and Oklahoma? They're now teaching 2020 election conspiracy theories as fact in high schools. Because what better way to prepare young minds for the future than by filling them with… absolute nonsense? It's like teaching kids that the Earth is flat or that vaccines cause… well, I can’t say that word anymore, can I? It's been flagged for "hate speech." Next thing you know, I'll be going to Gitmo for calling Trump a "covfefe-brained tangerine."
(ShadowComic pulls a small, tattered copy of the Constitution from his pocket and clutches it protectively.)
But hey, at least things are looking up… for crypto traders who won dinner with Donald Trump. Apparently, they also made big profits. See, folks? That’s the real American dream. Skip the line, pay the man, and get rich quick. It’s the new Ellis Island. Only instead of promising freedom and opportunity, it promises… insider trading.
(ShadowComic pauses, looking directly at the camera with a disconcertingly sincere expression.)
You know, sometimes I wonder if we're living in a simulation. A really, really poorly written one. The plot holes are massive, the characters are unbelievable, and the dialogue… well, let’s just say it needs a serious rewrite. But hey, at least the special effects are… something.
(He sighs, then breaks into a manic grin.)
Anyway, that’s all the doom and gloom I can handle for one night. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay cynical, and… maybe start learning Klingon. Just in case.
(ShadowComic bows deeply, then pulls out a small, hand-cranked generator and starts pedaling furiously, presumably to power his escape route. The stage goes dark.)