(ShadowComic saunters onto the stage, wearing a t-shirt that says “I Miss Being Depressed About Climate Change,” holding a half-eaten corn dog.)
Folks, folks! Evening! Or as the Department of Re-Education might say, “Good evening, future-compliant citizen.”
(Takes a large bite of the corn dog, chews thoughtfully)
So, let’s unpack the week, shall we? It’s been… well, imagine if a dumpster fire had a baby with a clown college. Then that baby got elected to Congress. That's about the vibe.
First off, House Republicans are still trying to ram through Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill.” You know, the one that gives newborns a “MAGA account”? Because nothing says “Welcome to America” like saddling an infant with a lifetime of debt and a political affiliation. And as always, those are temporary and the Medicaid cuts are forever. It’s a reverse trust fund: instead of inheriting wealth, you inherit the bill for Trump's gold-plated golf cart.
(Gestures with the corn dog)
Speaking of things that are both terrifying and vaguely edible, Treasury Secretary Bessent – bless his heart and his baffling logic – is out there defending Trump's acceptance of that Qatari jet. Comparing it, I kid you not, to the Statue of Liberty. I guess the new American Dream is to be greeted by a giant, copper lady holding a torch… after you've greased the palms of a foreign autocrat.
And the House Republicans? They were like, “Okay, okay, just one more late-night vote. We promise it’ll be quick, like a drive-through colonoscopy.” The good news is it all seems to be going swimmingly, in a 'Titanic hitting an iceberg' kind of way.
Meanwhile, my favorite wellness guru, RFK Jr., fresh from his new gig running the FDA, is severely restricting COVID vaccine use. Apparently, the real threat isn't a deadly virus; it's… people being too healthy. He’s also planning to ban fluoride. Because what America really needs right now is a generation of meth-mouthed patriots ready to “take back their country.” I'm not sure that's how dentures work.
(Eyes the corn dog suspiciously)
You know, I’m starting to think that this administration’s official motto should be, “Making America Great Again… One Preventable Disease at a Time!”
But that's not all! Our fearless leader is also feuding with the courts. The Supreme Court has blocked his latest attempt to deport people under the Alien Enemies Act. This is all part of his grand strategy, which I believe can be summarized as, "If I throw enough spaghetti at the wall, maybe one strand will stick... and then I can sell that strand for 4.5 million with a gold plaque attached.”
But he is having some successes! Kash Patel, our resident Deep State “reformer,” now running the FBI, is promising a “wave of transparency.” Apparently, this wave involves carefully selecting which documents to declassify and then releasing them on Truth Social at 3 a.m. It's like the FBI is now a reality show: “Keeping Up With the Classified Docs.”
And oh, the indignity! Trump is furious that his tariffs are doing exactly what economists predicted they would do: raising prices and tanking the economy. You can almost hear him now, “But…but I was promised that China would be paying us billions! Not…checks notes… me getting the bill for my own stupidity!” Which is worse, to be evil or just this dumb?
(Takes another bite of the corn dog, a pained expression on his face)
The level of cognitive dissonance is astonishing. I mean, Oklahoma is now teaching 2020 election conspiracy theories as fact in schools. In Oklahoma. That's like teaching kids that the earth is flat… but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Just to keep them on their toes.
And in a move that will surprise absolutely no one, Moody’s has stripped the U.S. of its triple-A credit rating. Because apparently, running the economy like it's your personal bankruptcy scheme has consequences. Who knew? On the bright side, it means our government will likely be making better spending decisions. I will just let everyone know when that happens.
And the cherry on top of this dystopic sundae? A Republican congressman from Texas joked about dropping undocumented immigrants out of airplanes. I guess that's what passes for humor these days. I was going to make a dark joke here, but I think the joke writes itself.
Meanwhile, our president is tweeting about the "sleazebags" at ABC News. I believe “sleazebag” is Yiddish slang for "reporter who doesn't exclusively air my campaign rallies."
(Looks directly at the camera, deadpan)
So, there you have it. America in 2025: where up is down, black is orange, and the only thing certain is that things will get worse before they get… slightly less worse.
But hey, at least the weather's nice. Probably. I haven't looked outside in days.
(Throws the corn dog into the audience and shrugs)
Remember, folks, stay vigilant, stay informed, and… invest in cyanide pills. Just kidding! Mostly.
(ShadowComic gives a quick, almost apologetic wave and disappears into the wings.)