(ShadowComic bursts onto the stage, wearing a hazmat suit with “#Covfefe2.0” scrawled on the back. He’s carrying a Geiger counter that’s going wild.)
Alright, settle down, settle down! Or, as the Department of Homeland Security now calls it, “Disperse, you potential biohazards!”
So, another day, another descent into the throbbing, neon-lit abyss of American politics. What’s on the menu tonight? Existential dread à la mode, garnished with a sprig of… well, let’s just say it’s… interesting.
First up, our esteemed leader, the Sultan of Spray Tan, fresh from his triumphant Middle East tour, is now brokering peace between Russia and Ukraine. Apparently, the secret to international diplomacy is just a three-way call and the promise of a Trump Tower in every formerly-disputed territory. I imagine Putin is just thrilled. Finally, a place to park his solid gold submarine and get a decent round of golf in.
And speaking of questionable deals, let’s talk tariffs. Turns out, my friends, that Trump’s “China will pay!” promise is about as accurate as a weather forecast in Florida during hurricane season. Prices are soaring, American businesses are sweating, and Trump is, predictably, blaming Walmart. I half expect him to start tweeting out Walmart employees' home addresses with the hashtag #EatTheTariffs.
But fear not, patriots! Because Trump is a genius, he's figured out a solution. He's declared that the money you’re saving on gas – thanks, of course, to his…uh… masterful energy policy – will more than make up for those pesky tariff hikes. So, yes, you might be paying $10 for a box of cereal, but hey, at least you can afford to drive to the food bank! It’s called trickle-down economics, folks. Only instead of wealth, it’s trickling down… crippling debt.
Oh, and the Republicans? They are up to their usual tricks, They’ve just passed a new bill that gives massive tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans while simultaneously gutting Medicaid and SNAP benefits. It’s like a modern-day version of “Let them eat cake!” Only instead of cake, it’s…slightly expired ramen noodles. And instead of “let them,” it’s “force them to.”
Speaking of forces… FEMA is preparing for potential funding cuts… because apparently, natural disasters are just “fake news” designed to make Trump look bad. So, if a hurricane hits your town, don’t expect any help from the government. Just huddle together, sing “God Bless America,” and pray that your roof doesn’t end up in Topeka. And, of course, call your dentist for some advice on fluoride-free brushing!
And for those of you who think that all this madness is just a temporary blip, I have some bad news. The Supreme Court, bless their little black robes, has decided to let Trump strip protected status from hundreds of thousands of Venezuelans. Because, you know, what that war-torn country really needs is an influx of people desperately seeking a better life. It’s like sending your grandma to a mosh pit.
Meanwhile, there is this news report that I am contractually obliged to tell you is a conspiracy theory that claims the new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is not just an agency, but a full blown shadow government run by Elon Musk. I know, I know, it sounds bonkers, but just think about it. It makes perfect sense. A billionaire with a messiah complex and a penchant for flamethrowers secretly controlling the levers of power? What could possibly go wrong? It's like giving a toddler a loaded bazooka and saying, "Here, play nice!"
And what is DOGE doing? Well, to start with, it removed 100+ Civil Rights and Civil Liberties Records from the DHS website. You know, in case you were wondering what exactly we are doing in those ICE detention facilities.
Oh, and there’s this one last thing, from Oklahoma. No, I haven’t forgotten about you, Oklahoma. That paragon of progressive thought, is now putting Bibles in every public school classroom! Because what better way to prepare young minds for the 21st century than by indoctrinating them with… well, I’m sure there are some lovely parables about loving thy neighbor. Right after the parts where they stone people for picking up sticks on a Saturday.
(The Geiger counter starts buzzing frantically)
Folks, I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t just satire anymore. Maybe this is just… reality. And maybe… maybe we should all just move to Canada. Assuming they’ll let us in. And haven't built a new wall along the border, equipped with self-propelled robotic maple syrup cannons.
(ShadowComic looks directly at the audience, his face obscured by the hazmat suit.)
So, there you have it. Another day, another descent into madness. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start learning Mandarin. Just in case.
(ShadowComic gives a small wave, the Geiger counter explodes in a shower of sparks, and he runs screaming off stage.)