(ShadowComic, tonight wearing a bespoke suit fashioned entirely from newsprint – mostly the Financial Times, ironically – walks onstage carrying a small, bewildered-looking potted plant.)
Evening, everyone. Or, as the Department of Nomenclature is now calling it, “Designated Sentient Bio-Unit 743.” I’m told it’s essential for maintaining optimal CO2 levels in the bunker.
So, what’s the flavor of the week in the land of the ironically free? Let’s see… Trump’s been on Capitol Hill, strong-arming Republicans into backing his “big, beautiful bill.” You know, the one that’s so big and beautiful, it’s basically a black hole of debt sucking in Medicaid, food stamps, and any semblance of fiscal responsibility.
(ShadowComic sets the plant down gingerly.)
He actually told them, and I quote, “Get in line!” Which, coming from a man who struggles to walk down a gently sloping ramp, is… aspirational, at best. It’s like watching a toddler trying to herd cats. Except the cats are House Republicans, and the toddler has access to nuclear launch codes.
Apparently, some Republicans are balking. You know, those pesky “fiscal conservatives” who suddenly remember they’re supposed to care about the national debt when a Democrat isn’t in the White House. It's a convenient amnesia that flares up every four to eight years, like a recurring tax audit. They want to cut it deeper, because obviously, the solution to growing food insecurity is to make more people hungry.
And speaking of sticking to the party line, Secretary of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem, gave a Senate hearing a masterclass in constitutional ignorance, when asked to define “habeas corpus.” Her response? It’s a right the president has to remove people from the country. I’m pretty sure my ficus here (gestures at the plant) has a better grasp of the legal system, and it’s only been alive since Tuesday.
(The plant seems to shudder.)
It’s moments like these when I wonder if we’re all just characters in some elaborate, poorly-written reality show. And if we are, can we at least get better writers? I’m thinking Aaron Sorkin, but, you know, maybe not at his most saccharine.
Meanwhile, Trump’s been on the phone with Putin, presumably exchanging recipes for oligarch-friendly borscht and discussing the finer points of undermining democracy. And the result? Trump’s abandoned efforts to mediate peace in Ukraine, leaving our European allies "shocked." Shocked, I tell you! They’re shocked that Trump, a man whose foreign policy is based on whatever benefits Trump at any given moment, is acting… well, like Trump. It's like being surprised when a toddler throws a tantrum because you took away his solid gold pacifier.
Oh, and the US is allegedly set to extend Chevron's waiver in Venezuela! See, America is back! We are supporting human rights by supporting oil companies who support countries who support dictatorships.
But, hey, at least there’s good news for those of you planning a summer getaway. The Senate, in a rare moment of bipartisan unity, unanimously approved a bill to eliminate taxes on tips! Except, of course, it only applies to cash tips. Because, you know, who uses cash anymore? It’s like giving everyone a free Blockbuster membership in the age of streaming. But don't worry, I'm sure some clever tax attorney is already figuring out how to classify offshore accounts as "exceptionally large gratuities."
Now, it's time for my favourite part of the show! "Guess what is wrong with Trump!" I'll give you all a hint: every single part of him!
So, is it: a. He keeps repeating the false claim that Biden delayed sharing the news about his cancer diagnosis. b. His ex-lawyer wants to press charges against Jill Biden for alleged elder abuse, because of that cancer! c. He's claiming the US does "not much business with Canada" when Canada is the world's top buyer of US exports. d. All of the above!
If you answered "d. All of the above!" congratulations. You are as crazy as our president. Give yourself a pat on the back! You deserve it!
And to top it all off, the FDA, under RFK Jr., is limiting COVID vaccines to high-risk groups. Because, apparently, the best way to build herd immunity is to… selectively expose the herd to the virus? It’s like playing Russian roulette with public health. If you want the shot because you work with the public? Maybe think again! Because freedom of choice is now the freedom to get infected.
(ShadowComic sighs, picks up the plant, and examines it closely.)
You know, sometimes I feel like this plant. Trapped in a pot, fed artificial nutrients, and constantly wondering when someone’s going to decide I’m no longer aesthetically pleasing and toss me in the compost heap.
But hey, at least I’m not running the country.
(ShadowComic gives a wry smile, walks off stage, and leaves the plant alone in the spotlight.)