(ShadowComic enters the stage, pushing a podium. The podium is made entirely of stacked legal documents, precariously balanced and threatening to topple. He adjusts the microphone, glances nervously at the stack, and begins.)
Evening, everyone. Or, as Kristie Noem would probably phrase it, "Greetings, potential participants in the upcoming Citizenship Games. May the odds be ever in your favor…unless you’re from Venezuela, in which case, may the odds be… well, let’s just say “not as favorable.””
(He shifts slightly, causing a document to slip from the podium. He catches it with lightning reflexes.)
So, the House Republicans are still wrestling with Trump’s "Big, Beautiful Bill." It's so big, so beautiful, it makes the Grand Canyon look like a pothole. It’s so fiscally responsible it makes a drunken sailor look like Warren Buffett. It’s so… well, let’s just say if the bill were a person, it would have its own dedicated wing in Mar-a-Lago and a serious gambling problem.
Turns out, convincing House Republicans to agree on anything is like herding cats made of nitroglycerin. The Freedom Caucus wants deeper Medicaid cuts, because, you know, what this country really needs is more people choosing between food and medicine. It's the American way!
Meanwhile, the more moderate Republicans are worried about the deficit. Apparently, they’ve just discovered that adding trillions to the national debt might have…consequences. It’s like realizing your diet of deep-fried Twinkies and Mountain Dew might be contributing to your heart condition. Shocking, I know.
And because nothing is ever simple, the Supreme Court is currently considering a case that could effectively gut the power of the federal judiciary. Which is great news, because what this country really needs is less oversight of the executive branch. I mean, who needs checks and balances when you have… faith? And a really good lawyer?
(He pulls a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses from his pocket and puts them on.)
The administration's defense? That DOGE, or the Department of Government Efficiency, is a “presidential advisory body” and therefore not subject to the Freedom of Information Act. Right, because the best way to achieve government efficiency is through… secrecy. It's like trying to clean your house by locking all the doors and turning off the lights.
You know, I think the real reason they’re so obsessed with keeping the DOGE documents secret is because they accidentally classified the recipe for Trump’s hairspray as “national security information.” I mean, that stuff is potent. It could probably take down a small drone.
Oh, and speaking of transparency, the Air Force is accepting a gift from Qatar, a luxury 747 to be retrofitted as Air Force One. Nothing says “symbol of American democracy” like a plane bought and paid for by a foreign government. And it's being refitted by the Air Force. Is there something that can be refitted? Did they find a mini-fridge full of dates and oil, and need to take it out to make room for the new 380-inch TVs?
But, apparently, South Africa's president is not going to accept the same thing, and made a joke about not having a plane to give Trump. I'm sorry, why am I laughing?
And to make things even better, the Justice Department is moving to drop police reform agreements in Minneapolis and Louisville. Which I can only assume means they’re planning to replace them with… mandatory sensitivity training videos featuring Rudy Giuliani.
Also, apparently, ICE will now be stationed on military bases. Because it wasn't already bad enough that the National Guard is doing ICE's job now. At this point, where isn't ICE? I guess, it's a new take on the old saying. "Wherever you go, I'll follow you." I mean, it makes sense, but I can't help but think, what next? ICE at the Olympics?
(ShadowComic removes the sunglasses and leans into the microphone.)
Folks, I’m starting to think that the only way to survive this is to embrace the absurdity. Start wearing tin foil hats. Learn to speak fluent Russian. And, for God's sake, start investing in gold-plated bunkers.
Oh, and if you're planning a trip to the US any time soon, don't forget to pack your… paperwork. All of it. Even the stuff you think you don’t need. You never know when Customs and Border Protection might need to see your… childhood dental records.
Anyway, just know that even if our government wants to screw us, we can still laugh about it.
(He pats the stack of legal documents on the podium.)
Remember, folks, in the words of the great philosopher, Kermit the Frog: "It's not easy being green... or American… in 2025.”
Good night, and try not to get deported.
(ShadowComic gives a small bow, then grabs a lighter and sets the top legal document on fire. The flames quickly engulf the entire podium, casting a dramatic glow on his face. He exits as the audience stares in stunned silence.)