(Lights up on ShadowComic, sitting at a desk littered with unpaid bills and rubber chickens. He's wearing a tinfoil hat ironically, because regular tinfoil hats are for losers.)
ShadowComic: Welcome, welcome, welcome to "This Side Up," the only news show brave enough to start every segment with a triple "welcome." It's redundant, sure, but so is most of what comes out of Washington these days.
So, where do we even begin? Ah, yes. The Supreme Court, that bastion of… consistency. They’ve just given our tangerine-tinged leader the green light to fire anyone he doesn’t like from independent agencies. Apparently, the phrase "independent agency" is now just a suggestion, like "eat your vegetables" or "read the Constitution."
It’s a real profile in courage, this Supreme Court. I mean, who needs checks and balances when you can have unchecked power? Makes things so much easier. Think of all the time we’ll save! No more pesky regulations, no more inconvenient oversight. Just pure, unadulterated… executive brilliance.
And, in an effort to further streamline things, Congress is considering a bill that would essentially neuter the courts' ability to enforce contempt citations. You know, because holding powerful people accountable is just so 2024. I mean, who needs judges when you have… executive orders? It's the circle of life, folks. Or, more accurately, the circle of… despotism.
(He picks up a rubber chicken)
Speaking of sweeping pronouncements, Trump has declared an "energy emergency." An emergency! Apparently, we're running out of… energy. I thought we were running out of sanity, but hey, I'm not an expert. He's promising a "Manhattan Project 2" to jumpstart the nuclear industry. Which sounds great, until you remember that this is the same guy who once suggested nuking hurricanes. I'm starting to think his energy policy is just "more explosions."
And because you can't have a good old-fashioned energy crisis without a trade war, Trump is threatening to slap 50% tariffs on the EU. It’s his new favorite weapon. Tariffs for everyone! You get a tariff! You get a tariff! Everybody gets a tariff! And Apple? Don't even get him started on Apple. If they don't start building iPhones in America, he's threatening a 25% tariff. Which, let's be honest, would probably still be cheaper than manufacturing them here. But hey, who needs logic when you have… nationalism?
(He throws the rubber chicken in the air and catches it)
And while the world is teetering on the brink of economic collapse, Trump is hosting a "memecoin dinner." A dinner where the price of admission was… buying his cryptocurrency. I'm not sure what's more disturbing: that people are actually buying TrumpCoin, or that they’re willing to pay a million dollars for a rubber-chicken dinner with the guy who's about to render their investment worthless. It's like a reverse Midas touch: everything he touches turns to… crypto.
By the way, where does one find a "tuxedo meme coin gala?" It's like a fever dream of wealth and poor financial decisions.
And speaking of strange bedfellows, guess who's making a comeback? RFK Jr.! He's teaming up with Trump to "make America healthy again." Which is ironic, considering that RFK Jr. thinks vaccines cause autism. I guess their healthcare plan is just… ignore science and hope for the best.
(He sighs)
Look, folks, I know it's bleak. I know it's depressing. But hey, at least we have each other. And rubber chickens. And the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, future generations will look back at this time and think, "Wow, those people were really good at satire."
And in other news, I'm fleeing the country. For comedic research, of course. Don't want to end up in a re-education camp. I hear they serve truth serum these days. And I hate the taste of cherry.
Good night, and may your memes be ever in your favor. (Lights fade.)