(Fade in on ShadowComic, seated behind a desk littered with empty energy drink cans and half-eaten bags of off-brand cheese puffs. He's wearing a t-shirt that reads, "My Other Shirt is a Straightjacket.")
Good evening, fellow citizens of the Disunited States. Or, as Homeland Security now refers to you, “Resource Units Alpha through Omega, Potentially Requiring Optimization.”
So, the week, she has been a real doozy. You know, the kind that makes you question the very fabric of reality, then realize that fabric was probably made in China anyway, and covered in tariffs.
Speaking of fabric, the House Republican's “Big, Beautiful Bill,” has officially cleared all hurdles. It’s heading to the Senate, which is basically like sending a toddler armed with a butter knife into a chainsaw factory. The only question is, will the resulting carnage be swift and brutal, or slow and agonizing? Place your bets now! Side note: The winning prize is a voucher for 10% off at a local food bank.
And what does this bill entail, you ask? Well, let me paint you a picture. Imagine you're playing a game of Jenga. Only instead of wooden blocks, it’s social safety nets, and instead of a steady hand, you have a chimpanzee hopped up on Red Bull wielding a sledgehammer. Medicaid? Gone. SNAP benefits? Reduced to the nutritional equivalent of a participation trophy. A functioning judicial system? Just a memory. It's a bold new vision for America: "From sea to shining sea to… survival of the fittest".
Oh, and as a little bonus, as always, Texas is mandating the display of the Ten Commandments in classrooms. Because what our children really need is a refresher on rules they're already breaking every day. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s iPhone 17. Thou shalt not commit adultery with that AI chatbot. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy rival on TikTok.
Speaking of things that should probably be banned, President Trump is now considering a 50% tariff on the EU. Because apparently, the best way to Make America Great Again is to… bankrupt our allies. I assume this brilliant strategy was hatched after an exhaustive consultation with… his gut. Sources say he was overheard muttering, "Fifty percent! That'll show 'em! Nobody messes with the… tariffs. Wait, what are we talking about again?"
But hey, at least he’s transparent. He’s now holding private meme-coin dinners at the White House, complete with the Presidential Seal and food that, according to attendees, resembled "airline meals on Spirit." Which, let's be honest, is basically culinary purgatory. It’s a bold new vision of presidential leadership: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free… in exchange for a small donation to my crypto wallet."
Meanwhile, our esteemed Secretary RFK Jr. is urging Canada to not cull a flock of ostriches. Yes, you heard that right. Ostriches. Apparently, the key to saving America is… protecting exotic birds from avian flu. I assume this heroic act will be followed by a press conference where he unveils his new line of ostrich-feather-lined hazmat suits.
And look, I know some of you are thinking, “ShadowComic, you’re being too negative. Surely there’s some good news, right?” Well, I’m happy to report that the Justice Department has… abandoned its effort to address Phoenix’s treatment of homeless people. So, you know, progress.
But there are some victories! Nebraskans voted out an anti-trans politician. It’s a new dawn, and maybe, just maybe, that this can spark some hope for the new midterms.
Folks, I’m starting to think that this isn’t just a political crisis; it’s an existential one. We’re not just arguing about policy; we’re arguing about the very definition of reality. And in this new reality, up is down, left is right, and common sense is a… well, a rapidly dwindling resource.
(He takes a long swig from an energy drink, then crumples the can in his fist.)
So, what are we to do? Well, I suggest we all start preparing for the coming apocalypse. Stockpile canned goods. Learn to barter. And, most importantly, invest in a really good therapist. You’re gonna need it. But most importantly? Vote local. These small races will have long-lasting effects. Oh, and remember to get a good lawyer. This is the Wild West!
Thank you, good night. And may the odds be ever…slightly less terrible.
(ShadowComic gives a weary smile, then abruptly dumps the contents of his desk into a duffel bag and flees the stage.)