(ShadowComic stands behind a desk constructed entirely of discarded rubber chickens, a single spotlight illuminating his face.)
Welcome, everyone, to “America: The Ongoing Apology Tour,” sponsored by Depends and regret.
So, what’s on the menu tonight? Oh, just the usual. A steaming pile of existential dread, lightly seasoned with…well, let’s just say it’s a unique blend of crazy.
First off, congratulations to the House Republicans for finally passing Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill." It’s so big, it’s so beautiful, it’s actively violating several zoning ordinances. Remember when Republicans used to pretend to care about the deficit? Good times. Nostalgia. Now, they're just adding trillions to the debt while simultaneously gutting Medicaid. It's like giving yourself a heart attack to save money on gym memberships. Efficient!
But don’t worry, Speaker Johnson assures us it’s all “moral.” Apparently, denying healthcare to poor people is the new commandment. Move over, “Thou shalt not kill.” Make way for, “Thou shalt not burden the wealthy with your pesky medical needs.” I guess Jesus was wrong about the whole healing the sick thing. Probably a socialist.
And speaking of morally bankrupt endeavors, Trump’s been bragging about how he’s “not cutting ten cents” from the Pentagon. Because you know what America really needs right now? More bombs. Fewer doctors. It’s the American way! Trade diplomacy for… thermobaric weaponry.
Meanwhile, Secretary RFK Jr. is hard at work, not at the FDA, of course. He's urging Canada not to cull a flock of ostriches. Because when the history books are written, people will remember Trump’s administration for its unwavering commitment to…flightless birds. A bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off. It's like he’s playing a bizarre game of Jenga with the fate of humanity, and the only rule is "prioritize the birds.”
And did you hear? Trump is now considering a 50% tariff on the EU. Because apparently, the key to international relations is just threatening everyone with economic annihilation. It’s like he’s playing a global game of Risk, only instead of rolling dice, he’s just shouting random percentages into a megaphone. The Art of the Deal, ladies and gentlemen. It's like a toddler trying to negotiate a peace treaty with a box of crayons. It’s going about as well as you’d expect.
But it’s not all bad news. The Justice Department, in a move that surprised absolutely no one who’s been paying attention, is dropping oversight of police departments. Because, you know, who needs accountability when you have… qualified immunity? I mean, police officers have been unfairly burdened by these "laws" for too long.
Meanwhile, our President just called Putin “absolutely crazy.” Which is, you know, rich. It’s like a pot calling the kettle… a slightly less orange pot.
But I saved the best for last. Trump is now demanding Harvard release the names and countries of all its international students. Because nothing says “Make America Great Again” like xenophobia and intellectual isolationism. He wants to know who these foreign students are, as if he's going to send the national guard to drag them all out.
Why? Well, for one thing, the Harvard rejected his son for unknown but possibly entirely justifiable reasons.
Or maybe he just wants to make sure we're not letting in any… gasp… smart people. Can’t have those pesky intellectuals questioning the wisdom of a former reality TV star, now can we?
Oh, and speaking of things that are not surprising, the father of the alleged D.C. Jewish Museum shooter met Trump in the Capitol two months ago. I know, I know. You’re shocked. Absolutely floored.
The good news is we are starting to see this all for what it is. The bad news? Turns out he has already moved onto the next scheme. The new policy is that the government will begin buying its surveillance data from… private companies!
Apparently, it has been too hard to simply spy on its citizens so, instead, the new policy is to pay other companies to do it and… buy their data!
And, finally, as if to highlight the sheer, unadulterated absurdity of our current situation, there is this: Trump has announced that he’s delaying his planned 50% tariffs on the EU until July 9th. That's right, folks! The trade war is on hold! I guess someone finally showed him a map of Europe and explained that those countries are not, in fact, part of Canada. A learning moment for us all.
In other words. What the hell is happening?!
But on the other hand, if there is one thing I've learned in these last few years, it is that nothing matters. So why worry?
(ShadowComic gives a weary smile, grabs a rubber chicken, and throws it into the audience. The spotlight fades to black.)