(ShadowComic, tonight dressed as a disheveled history professor with chalk dust smeared on his face and a barely-contained twitch in his left eye, stumbles to center stage, clutching a stack of heavily annotated historical texts.)
Good evening, students of the… well, whatever this is. Tonight, we delve into the cyclical nature of history, specifically how it’s currently vomiting all over our present.
(He drops the books with a thud that makes the microphone feedback. He winces.)
Let’s start with Memorial Day. A sacred day for remembering the fallen, right? A solemn occasion for honoring sacrifice. Except, of course, when it’s repurposed as a launchpad for Trump’s latest all-caps rant against… well, pretty much everyone who isn’t currently polishing his golf shoes.
You see, it's the perfect day to tell our armed forces that they “fought for nothing” with his latest tax and spending bill. No greater honour than to tell the dead that their lives were dedicated to the government’s decision to pay off the 1% while eliminating their healthcare, right? It's a Memorial Day miracle!
Ah, but it gets better. In a move that can only be described as “Peak Trump,” he managed to use the Arlington Cemetery ceremony to brag about how he’s having a great year. You know, what with the Olympics and the World Cup. “I have everything,” he declared. Which I’m pretty sure is exactly what General Patton said right before getting into that fatal car accident. Coincidence? I report, you decide.
And speaking of self-aggrandizement, the parade. Oh, the parade. Because nothing says “humble remembrance” like a taxpayer-funded ego stroke featuring tanks, missiles, and probably a flyover by those invisible fighter jets he keeps talking about. Maybe they’ll spell out “MAGA” in contrails. Subtlety is key, people.
Then, in a moment of what I can only assume was extreme emotional constipation, Trump declared that Putin is “crazy." Crazy! From the guy who thinks windmills cause cancer, and that bleach injections cure… well, whatever it is that ails you in Trumpland. It's like Hannibal Lecter calling someone rude.
And what sparked this sudden outburst of… what’s the opposite of bromance? Putin launched another barrage of attacks on Ukraine. Which, I’m told, is bad. But also, probably Zelensky’s fault for not being more… agreeable. With Putin. Who is, you know, crazy. It’s all very clear, if you don’t think about it too much.
But wait! There’s a silver lining. (Narrator’s voice: There isn’t). Apparently, Trump is also considering redirecting $3 billion in Harvard grants to trade schools. Because what this country really needs is fewer overeducated elites and more… plumbers with advanced degrees in conspiracy theories. I can already see the bumper stickers: "My Plumber Is a Doctor, and He Knows the Earth Is Flat!"
Of course, he had to throw in the barb about how much he wants to know who those people are. We need our leader to protect us. And what better way to protect us than by intimidating a whole school of intelligent, motivated people to do a bad job?
And because no good deed goes unpunished, the EU. They have the audacity to try and negotiate as a unified bloc. Which is, you know, un-American. I mean, what happened to good old-fashioned bilateral extortion? Where’s the fun in negotiating with a united front? It’s like playing poker against a team of card counters. It's just not sporting.
But hey, at least everything is great here at home. Grocery prices are falling! Gas prices are falling! Real wages are… well, they’re certainly… existing. And since all the "undeserving" will have their Medicaid taken away, people will be healthier than ever! It’s an economic miracle, brought to you by the same guy who declared bankruptcy six times.
And lest we forget our fearless leader's commitment to ethics, former Culpeper County Sheriff, Scott Jenkins, convicted of federal bribery charges, and a fellow scum-sucking criminal. Trump, in a stunning display of loyalty to… other convicted criminals, pardoned him. Because, you know, what's a little bribery between friends? It's just…alternative fundraising.
Oh, and here's a fun fact. I learned this today: the new head of the FDA wants diabetics to take cooking classes instead of insulin. Yes, you heard that right. Cooking classes. Because apparently, the secret to controlling a genetic disorder is just… mastering the perfect soufflé. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to try interpretive dance.
(He picks up a book and flips through it frantically.)
See, this is why I study history. Because it reminds me that humanity is doomed to repeat its mistakes. We’re just doomed to repeat them with slightly better technology and significantly worse fashion.
So, what’s the takeaway? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I recommend stockpiling canned goods, learning a second language, and perhaps investing in a very good therapist. And if you happen to be a member of the European Union, maybe start learning how to say, "No, we will not build a Trump Tower in Brussels" in as many languages as possible.
Good night, and may your future be slightly less… historical.
(ShadowComic gathers his books, trips over the podium, and scurries offstage, leaving a single, t