(Lights up on ShadowComic, dressed as a fortune teller in a sequined robe and a turban slightly too small for his head. He peers intensely into a crystal ball filled with lukewarm tap water.)
Welcome, seekers of truth, to “ShadowComic’s Slightly More Accurate Than Your Average Poll Predictions!” Tonight, we gaze into the murky depths of the future… or, as I like to call it, “Tuesday.”
(He shudders dramatically)
The spirits are… restless. I see… tariffs. So many tariffs! It appears President Trump is playing a game of international economic Jenga, and the tower is made of… affordable groceries. He’s delaying those EU tariffs again, folks. That's it. I'm calling it. "TACO" is officially the new economic indicator. Trump Always Chickens Out. I was hoping for a “MAGA Margarita Miracle,” but I guess we're stuck with slightly less expensive avocados.
And speaking of shaky foundations, the House Republicans are still patting themselves on the back for passing their “Big, Beautiful Bill.” Which, if you ask me, sounds less like legislation and more like a rejected title for a season of “The Bachelor.” The spirits tell me that Moody’s, bless their little spreadsheets, has downgraded the U.S. credit rating again. Apparently, running a country like it's a failing casino has consequences. Who knew? At this point, I’m pretty sure my ficus plant has a higher credit score. And that plant can't even vote.
(He squints at the crystal ball)
Oh dear, I see… a new Supreme Court case. On… birthright citizenship? Again? I thought we settled this back when powdered wigs were still a thing. But apparently, the 14th Amendment is just… a suggestion. Like flossing, or not using your office to sell meme coins.
And on the subject of questionable ethics, it seems our president is seeking to weaponize Harvard’s international student roster for… reasons. I can only assume he's planning a sequel to “The Hunger Games,” only this time, the tributes have to solve differential equations while dodging MAGA hats. May the odds be ever in their favor… unless they’re from Venezuela. Then, the odds are more like “game over.”
(He stirs the water with a plastic swizzle stick)
The tea leaves… I mean, tap water… is cloudy on the political front. Trump, bless his heart, is upset that Putin is “crazy.” That's rich, coming from a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer and that injecting bleach is a perfectly reasonable medical strategy. It’s like finding out that your pet goldfish is judging your life choices. Also, who exactly is he trying to convince? And is this going to be one of the more popular segments on the new season of RedStateRoast? Tune in to find out!
RFK Jr., meanwhile, is busy protecting us from… ostriches. Yes, ostriches. Apparently, the greatest threat to American freedom isn't tyranny; it's… avian flu. Honestly, I’m starting to think his brain worm has a LinkedIn profile.
(He gasps dramatically)
Wait, what’s this? I see… Texas. Always Texas. Apparently, they're mandating the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Because what this country really needs is more memorization of ancient rules and less… basic literacy. The only thing missing now is the launch of "The American" reality show, where immigrants compete for citizenship. What is wrong with Noem? How did she make it this far? We have gone down the rabbit hole.
(ShadowComic drums his fingers on the table. His eyes light up)
The spirits… they speak! They tell me that someone in Congress… a Republican, naturally… just joked about deporting undocumented immigrants by…dropping them out of airplanes. Classy. Real classy. See, this is the kind of innovative thinking we need in Washington. Forget infrastructure; let’s invest in… aerial deportation technology.
(He picks up a rubber chicken and stares at it intensely)
Even the inanimate objects are giving me the side-eye. You know what? I'm not sure I want to be doing this anymore.
(He dramatically sweeps everything off the table in a fit of fake anger)
I’m done! Done with the prophecies! Done with the bad spray tans! Done with trying to make sense of a world that has clearly lost its mind! You know, I think I'm just going to pack my bags and move to Canada. I hear they have universal healthcare, affordable maple syrup, and a distinct lack of reality TV-inspired immigration policies. Although a friend tells me that it is not for sale.
(He pauses, a wistful look on his face.)
But hey, at least they have a King. And Trump’s not planning to annex them. At least not yet.
(ShadowComic throws off the turban and robe, revealing his usual rumpled suit. He grabs the rubber chicken and heads for the exit.)
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start learning to speak Canadian. Just in case. Good night, and may your future be slightly less beige… and slightly more… maple-flavored.
(ShadowComic exits, clutching the rubber chicken for dear life.)