(ShadowComic, tonight dressed as a conspiracy theorist in a tinfoil suit that crackles with static, struggles to adjust his microphone, sending a shower of glitter into the audience.)
Greetings, truth-seekers! Or, as the newly formed Department of Narrative Control insists on calling you, “Designated Content Verification Units.” I’ve seen the future, and it’s… well, it’s mostly just tariffs and aggressively mediocre meme coins.
So, let’s unpack this week’s edition of “American Apocalypse Bingo,” shall we? The House Republicans are patting themselves on the back for squeezing through that “One Big, Beautiful Bill Act.” You know, the one that’s so big and beautiful it's currently seeking asylum in Switzerland. Apparently, even legislation has a conscience these days.
Meanwhile, Trump, bless his… heart?… is furious that anyone dares question his economic genius. I mean, the man single-handedly invented bankruptcy, perfected the art of the spray tan, and now he's single-handedly destabilizing the global economy. What more do you want from him? Blood? He’s saving that for the RedStateRoast finale.
The phrase they're using is: "Trump always chickens out", or TACO. And when asked about it, in a rare moment of unguarded honesty, he said, “Don’t ever say what you said. That’s a nasty question.” Which is basically Trump's version of "I know you are, but what am I?".
Of course, it's more than a nasty question. It’s a verified Wall Street trading strategy. “Buy when Trump threatens tariffs, sell when he inevitably folds.” It’s basically insider trading, only instead of leveraging confidential information, you’re leveraging… Presidential predictability. I mean that's what makes the market go round, right?
And now, the Supreme Court, in a move that I’m sure is totally unrelated to the millions of dollars in meme coins flowing into Mar-a-Lago, is considering a case that could gut the power of the federal judiciary. Because who needs checks and balances when you have…faith? And a really good lawyer? Also, a new Qatari jet?
And on the topic of financial responsibility, I am contractually obligated to let you know it is just a conspiracy theory that Vice President Vance has been secretly hoarding meme coins in order to buy Alaska from Russia. You all heard that here.
And as if all that weren’t enough, Secretary of State Rubio is cracking down on Chinese student visas. Apparently, the greatest threat to American security isn't Russian disinformation; it’s… highly motivated students studying math. I assume the next step is to ban abacuses. And fortune cookies. Because clearly, Beijing is using General Tso’s chicken to brainwash our youth.
We're sending a plane back to Guatemala with a person. That's a start! But just to be clear, we are still sending millions of others to El Salvador to live at the brand new resort paid for by the US Government!
And to be clear, the Air Force One gift from Qatar is definitely happening. But maybe that means we're just going to do more business with Qatar. I mean, what would you do if someone just gave you a plane?
And lest we forget about the completely non-threatening ostriches, I am just here to ask you all, what is with RFK Jr.'s obsession with ostriches? Is there a secret Ostrich Liberation Front I should know about?
Meanwhile, in Texas, the government really wants to make their own film industry. Because if there's one thing Texas is known for, it's… artistic subtlety. Forget independent filmmaking; get ready for state-sponsored propaganda that’s only slightly less subtle than a “Make America Great Again” banner at a Mensa convention. They won’t allow anything negative to be portrayed in Texas. So get ready for some films that are going to be at least 50% oil fields and white people having a good time!
And speaking of things that are as subtle as a foghorn, our fearless leader is also considering pardoning the guys who plotted to kidnap Governor Whitmer. You know, because what this country really needs is more… leniency for domestic terrorists. It’s like he’s trying to assemble his own personal Justice League, only instead of fighting crime, they’re just… planning it.
Finally, that RFK Jr. guy wants to prevent medical scientists from publishing their work in the top medical journals! No, really, why would we want people who are qualified and know what they're talking about to put out information.
So, what can we do? Well, I suggest we all start learning Mandarin. Just in case. Because at this rate, the only way to understand what's going on is to… join the conspiracy.
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay cynical, and… maybe start stockpiling emergency rations of canned laughter. You’re gonna need it. If there are any shortages, find me, and I'll be happy to get you a free copy of Truth Social, where you can be told whatever the elite are telling you to think!
(ShadowComic gives a manic grin, adjusts his tinfoil suit, and sprints offstage, leaving a faint smell of ozone in his wake.)