(A single spotlight illuminates a lone microphone stand. A beat. Then, ShadowComic walks calmly into the light, dressed in a crisp, white lab coat that seems slightly too big.)
Good evening, truth-adjacent viewers. Or, as the Department of Factual Redefinition now refers to you, "Designated Recipients of Approved Realities, Version 7.3, Patriot Edition."
Let’s talk about reality, shall we? It’s… slippery these days. Kind of like a greased watermelon at a Trump rally. You think you’ve got a grip on it, and then splat—you’re covered in something sticky and orange, and suddenly Sean Hannity is shouting at you.
This week, we saw Elon Musk officially… un-officialize himself from his government job. Yes, the self-proclaimed Technoking of Tesla, the Dogefather of… well, Dogecoin, has left the building. Or, at least, he's left the Oval Office. He's still lurking in the server rooms, whispering sweet nothings to the national security apparatus.
It was quite the send-off, wasn't it? A black eye that was either from roughhousing with his son, X Æ A-12, or from a particularly enthusiastic handshake with Steve Bannon. The world may never know! What we do know is that he didn't wear a suit. Apparently, the dress code for dismantling democracy is "Dogefather" tee.
And what did he achieve in his four months as Secretary of… Redundancy? Well, beside decimating countless federal agencies and accruing so much data from all US citizens? Oh. Right!
But don't worry, President Trump assured us that Elon will "always be with us, helping all the way!" Which is exactly what you want to hear about a guy who just pulled the plug on hundreds of thousands of HIV-positive children. It's like the tagline for a horror movie: "He's gone…but he's still helping."
Then there's RFK Jr., our very own Secretary of… Let's call it "Alternative Medicine." He released his MAHA report, a thing of beauty, truly. It's what would happen if a fortune cookie got a PhD in conspiracy theories. The only problem? Turns out, many of the studies cited… don’t actually exist.
My personal favorite? The one by Dr. Harold J. Farber on asthma over-prescription. The problem? Dr. Farber says he never wrote the paper, and had never even worked with the other listed authors. It's like citing Bigfoot as a co-author.
The White House, ever vigilant about accuracy, assured us that there were just some "minor citation and formatting errors" and that they will be correcting them. Sure, just a little tidying up of the apocalypse. A little dusting of the dystopia.
Meanwhile, the Supreme Court, in a move that surprised absolutely no one with a pulse, decided to let President Trump revoke humanitarian parole for over half a million immigrants. You know, because what America really needs right now is fewer ambitious, hard-working people and more reasons for Lady Liberty to weep into her torch.
And in a truly remarkable display of empathy, Iowa Senator Joni Ernst responded to concerns that Medicaid cuts will lead to deaths with the immortal words, “Well, we’re all going to die.” She said it, folks! She actually said it! I believe those were her exact words. It’s like a philosophical breakthrough. “I think, therefore, I’m… eventually going to be worm food.”
The level of self-awareness is just breathtaking. I fully expect to see her quoted in philosophy textbooks next to Sartre and Camus, only slightly more…dead inside.
But hey, at least things are looking up… for meme coin traders, of course. I mean, why waste time with traditional investments like, you know, infrastructure when you can gamble your life savings on a digital dog that might be worth slightly more than nothing tomorrow?
The U.S. Treasury must be so proud!
But hey, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by all this madness, just remember what Secretary Ernst said: “We’re all going to die!” So, relax, enjoy the ride, and maybe start brushing with fluoride-free toothpaste. Just in case.
(ShadowComic pauses, stares directly into the camera, and gives a small, almost apologetic shrug.)
Good night, and may your personal apocalypse be…slightly less beige. (The spotlight fades to black.)