(Lights dim, a single spotlight hits ShadowComic at center stage. He's wearing a sequined MAGA hat, backwards, and a t-shirt that says, "I'm With Stupid," with an arrow pointing upwards.)
Well, folks, another week, another few layers of irony peeled off the national onion of despair. You know, I'm starting to think we should just rename our currency the "MemeCoin." At least then it would accurately reflect its actual value and inherent stability.
Speaking of value, remember Elon Musk, formerly our Secretary of… well, let’s call it “Chaos Management”? Turns out, according to Steve Bannon, those weren’t policy disagreements he was having with the President, that was a “physical confrontation” over the new DOGE budget. Apparently, even slashing life-saving foreign aid can't fully compensate for some bad investments in Dogecoin. I’m picturing an Oval Office brawl worthy of professional wrestling, complete with folding chairs and Trump on the top rope with a solid gold Bitcoin.
And here's the kicker, Bono calls Musk out on Joe Rogan for it, citing 300,000 deaths from the AID cuts, and Musk’s response is, “Liar! Zero people have died!” Folks, I think we’ve found the perfect White House slogan. “Zero People Have Died!” It’s catchy, it’s reassuring, and it’s demonstrably, hilariously false. We’ll put it on a hat. Make it red. Sell it for $45 dollars.
And as for these accusations that Musk’s drug use is out of control, well, I think the black eye says it all. You know, most people get those from bar fights or unfortunate accidents. It takes a special kind of genius to get one at an Oval Office press conference over the topic of government efficiency.
But I digress. Let's talk law and order. Our fearless leader, a beacon of justice if there ever was one, is considering pardons for the Whitmer kidnapping plotters. Because, you know, what this country really needs is more encouragement for amateur militia groups to stage political violence. It will be a great tourist boost for Michigan. I predict they will be more popular than the auto industry.
And while we’re busy contemplating clemency for would-be kidnappers, it seems the DOJ is now going after a Democratic Congressman for protesting… ICE. Yes, you heard that right. Protesting ICE is now apparently an arrestable offense. I guess the new legal standard is: “If you’re not actively applauding the deportation of brown people, you’re a criminal.”
In related news, the White House is denying such things, but in that they also said there will be no new reality show, “The American”, and that there’s no plan to send a million Palestinians to Libya, so I really don’t trust what they say.
But hey, at least we're making headway on all those campaign promises, right? Remember Trump’s pledge to bring back manufacturing? Well, congratulations, West Virginia. You're now the proud recipient of a brand new… luxury 747, courtesy of Qatar. It’s the new Air Force One! Because nothing says “American-made” like a gift from a foreign autocrat. I mean, Trump tried to return it, saying it’s too big, but is the man ever satisfied?
And speaking of American-made, Trump is now threatening to impose 50% tariffs on any iPhones not manufactured on American soil. Which, of course, is impossible, unless you happen to own a time machine and a fully operational industrial revolution. I mean, I guess we could go back to the 1950’s and build a bunch of iPhones out of vacuum tubes and resentment, but I’m not sure that’s what Trump has in mind.
Then there’s all the talk about the upcoming parade, with the news that it’ll cost around $16 million just to fix the streets. Just a quick estimate here, but I’m pretty sure that’s more than the entire GDP of Greenland, which we were supposedly buying for the oil revenue.
But hey, at least Secretary Marco Rubio is keeping a watchful eye on our nation’s universities. Turns out, Harvard's international students are now under enhanced visa scrutiny. Because, you know, what America needs is fewer foreign-born geniuses and more…well, you get it. This also comes with the news that Harvard now has a new student loan crisis. Why? It turns out that students can no longer afford to take a year off.
And speaking of financial issues, I’m told there’s some real trouble going on with our bonds. They are, as the bankers say, "experiencing unusually weak demand". But hey, why worry about the looming collapse of the global financial system when you can focus on the real issues, like the proper way to display the Ten Commandments in Texas classrooms? And with such limited display space, just what is the least important one?
You know I was just thinking, maybe it’s a sign that this country is failing to take care of its people, but then I remember what Iowa State Senator Joni Ernst said, “Well, we’re all going to die.” So, you know, good news for them! (ShadowComic pauses for a beat, then stares deadpan into the camera.)
Anyway, tune in next week, when we’ll be discussing the finer points of nuclear winter survival. Until then, remember to stay informed, stay terrified, and maybe start brushing up on your Mandarin. Just in case.
(ShadowComic gives a weak wave and scurries offstage