(ShadowComic, wearing a powdered wig but with rainbow streaks in it, sits at a desk overflowing with rubber chickens and printed-out Reddit threads. He stares directly into the camera with unsettling intensity.)
Good evening, patriots and sentient Roomba vacuums. Or as the Department of Redundancy Department now insists we call you, “Designated Consumers of Pre-Packaged Outrage, Flavor of the Week.”
So, let's talk about what's really important: the war on… checks notes … everything. Yes, friends, the Trump administration, fresh from successfully negotiating world peace by threatening everyone with tariffs and offering them a solid gold Trump Tower in exchange, is now locked in a bitter struggle against… well, pretty much everyone.
First, there’s the ongoing feud with Harvard. Turns out, the real threat to American exceptionalism isn’t foreign adversaries or crippling national debt; it’s… international students. Apparently, knowing more than a reality TV star makes you a national security risk. Look, I get it. Trump has a documented aversion to anyone smarter than him. It’s why his cabinet meetings are basically a game of “Who Can Name the Most State Capitals Correctly?"
Then there's Secretary RFK Jr., who in between advising people to cure diabetes with cooking classes and protecting the world from the avian flu carried by Canadian ostriches, is now apparently single-handedly dismantling public trust in science. Forget peer review, folks! Now, the gold standard is whether or not it confirms your pre-existing biases gleaned from Facebook memes. And if the studies don't exist? Well, hey, that's just a "citation and formatting error."
But the real pièce de résistance this week is the proposed bill requiring anyone suing the Trump administration to post a bond. Because you know what really strengthens democracy? Making it financially impossible to challenge the government. It’s like saying, “Sure, you have the right to protest, but only if you’re rich enough to afford it.” I guess “equal justice under law” now comes with a minimum price tag of… say, a small loan of a million dollars?
And, of course, let's not forget our fearless leader is now reposting QAnon conspiracy theories about Biden being executed and replaced by a robot clone. It’s moments like these when I wonder if we're living in a poorly written sci-fi novel. The plot holes are massive. The characters are unbelievable. And the dialogue sounds like it was written by a committee of malfunctioning AI bots.
It also is worth noting that the Justice Department is now charging a Congressman for protesting… ICE? If you ever wanted to find out the definition of “banana republic,” that is it. When the government starts jailing its political opponents for the crime of protesting, you know you've entered the Twilight Zone.
And the Republican party is starting to fracture! But does that matter? When all of them support the same policies, all of them want a theocracy, and none of them will stop the other from grabbing power? What does it matter if they fight? At the end of the day, they all want the same thing!
As this all continues, please remember that there are no easy answers, no quick fixes, and certainly no rational explanations for anything happening right now. It's all just a chaotic mess of incompetence, corruption, and existential dread. But hey, at least we have memes.
And so, what do we do? Well, I propose a new national holiday: “Existential Dread Day.” A day where we all collectively acknowledge the absurdity of our reality, eat copious amounts of comfort food, and binge-watch dystopian movies until our brains turn to mush. Maybe then we'll finally be able to make sense of… this.
Because, let’s be honest, the alternative is just… madness.
(ShadowComic sighs, then pulls a small, hand-cranked generator and starts pedaling furiously, presumably to power his escape route. The stage goes dark.)
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay cynical, and… maybe start learning to live off the grid. Just in case. Goodnight.