(Lights up on ShadowComic, who is wearing a meticulously pressed suit made entirely of those little flags that come in cocktail olives. He holds a comically oversized gavel.)
Good evening, patriots! Or, as the Department of Recycled Irony now calls you, "Consumable Units of Civic Discourse, Batch 743-B, Slightly Less Jaded."
So, the Senate’s back in session, bless their little filibustering hearts. They’re wrestling with Trump’s ‘Big, Beautiful Bill,’ which, let's be honest, sounds less like legislation and more like something you'd try to order at a particularly greasy diner at 3 AM after a week-long bender. Except instead of heartburn, you get a trillion-dollar deficit.
The GOP is promising it'll jumpstart the economy. Sure, just like throwing a toaster in a bathtub jumpstarts your day.
Meanwhile, Secretary RFK Jr., our resident…well, let’s call him a “public health contrarian,” is busy protecting us from… what was it again? Oh yes, ostriches. I keep waiting for him to announce that Big Bird is a deep state operative. Makes about as much sense as anything else.
Speaking of making sense, the Supreme Court is now weighing in on… oh, you guessed it, birthright citizenship. Because apparently, the 14th Amendment is just a suggestion, like wearing pants to Mar-a-Lago. You know, I'm starting to think we should just rewrite the Constitution in crayon and see if that clears things up.
But hey, at least we’re "equalizing." Texas is now mandating the Ten Commandments in every classroom. I guess the thinking is, if we can’t teach kids basic reading and math, at least they’ll know not to covet their neighbor’s slightly newer, slightly less broken-down pickup truck.
And I am contractually obligated to tell you there is this theory making the rounds. It states that Kamala is a sleeper agent who intends to give all of America to the communist party. I know it sounds crazy, but then again you look at all the money they're making for the rich and it just makes sense!
The real question is, if America is already great, why do we need to make it great again? It’s like saying, “This soufflé is delicious, but let’s bake it again, just to be sure.” You’re gonna end up with a burnt, deflated mess.
And I'm happy to report that the government wants to make its own films. If it is one thing the government is known for, it's artistic talent!
Oh, and I almost forgot. The new head of FEMA? Apparently, he was unaware of hurricane season. Look, I get it. It’s easy to miss things when you’re busy dismantling the very agency you’re supposed to be running. Next thing you know, he'll be asking, "Wait, what's this weather thing you speak of?"
But back to the news. An FBI report said a former mayor was paid off by China. Did I say FBI? Sorry, I am contractually obligated to say the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. In this new state of affairs, China is trying to sway American citizens to vote in their favour! You just can't make this up!
You know, sometimes I think this whole thing is just an elaborate simulation, designed by some bored cosmic entity who’s decided to play “SimCity” with actual human lives. And the difficulty level is set to “maximum chaos.” And because he is contractually obliged to say it, I am here to say that the government is making sure everything is fine.
Speaking of crazy, have you heard about the new trend of "microdosing" with existential dread? Just a tiny bit of the impending apocalypse to get you through the day. I highly recommend it. Side effects may include chronic cynicism, an overwhelming urge to hoard canned goods, and a sudden, inexplicable desire to learn Mandarin.
You know what, I think the only way to survive this is to embrace the chaos. Start speaking in riddles. Wear a suit made of tin foil and rubber chickens. And always, always carry a towel. You never know when you might need to escape the planet.
And I saved the best news for last. A Republican official had an amazing take on the LGBTQ community. The Rainbow Beast is out there to get us! I know what I will be for Halloween this year.
And in another turn of events, the president has been giving big discounts on something near and dear to my heart: A Gold Card is only 5 Million Dollars! For the rich, life just keeps getting better!
What is this, Squid Game? Is there no way out of this mess!
You know, I'm starting to think maybe this isn't just satire anymore. Maybe this is just… the new normal. And maybe… maybe we should all just move to Canada. Assuming they’ll let us in. And haven't built a new wall along the border, equipped with self-propelled robotic moose.
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start learning to play the bagpipes. Just in case.
(ShadowComic gavels the desk, causing a pile of rubber chickens to cascade onto the floor.)