(ShadowComic strides onstage, impeccably dressed as a Victorian undertaker, complete with top hat and a clipboard overflowing with death certificates.)
Good evening, gentle souls. Or, as the Department of Eternal Optimism now insists we call you, “Pre-Deceased Assets, Category B: Potentially Recyclable.”
So, the Senate is back at it, bless their little obstructionist hearts. They're debating Trump's "One Big Beautiful Bill," which is, of course, less a piece of legislation and more a cry for help disguised as a tax cut. It’s so big, so beautiful, it makes the national debt look like a rounding error. A rounding error that's currently circling the Earth like a deranged satellite, threatening to crash down on us all.
It seems our new strategy for international trade is “tariff ping-pong”. I wish I was kidding! The Trump administration has tried for five months now to get the European Union on board with their new sanctions, and all they have managed to get are more and more tariffs! The latest news report is that the United Kingdom is now reconsidering working with America at all. What a world!
Speaking of things backfiring spectacularly, that whole “DOGE” initiative? Turns out, the only thing Elon Musk managed to streamline was our personal data… directly into the hands of Peter Thiel, who is, I am contractually obliged to say, a very nice man.
And that great American freedom is apparently getting pretty expensive to maintain!
This week, the Supreme Court is deciding whether or not to uphold one of our new laws to allow for undocumented immigrants to be deported across state lines! Because what is more important than the safety and well-being of 20 million people you may never meet, in your life?
Meanwhile, Secretary RFK Jr. is hard at work, not at the FDA, of course. He's doing what any good scientist would do, and working to convince Canada not to cull a flock of ostriches. Apparently, the greatest threat to American freedom isn't tyranny; it's… avian flu. Which, honestly, I can’t say I disagree with. Have you seen an ostrich in a mask? Terrifying.
Folks, here are the facts! There is a lot of money in protecting ostriches, as it is said in many QAnon threads. These brave patriots know that the more ostriches we have, the less disease we have.
And speaking of things that are flying the coop, here is the best news of the week: Joe Walsh, former Republican, announced he will be joining the Democratic Party! Which is a great thing, because the Democrats were not already out of touch enough! A Democrat on TV said, “this means the party is open to everyone, not just some”, which is just a great thing! We are all welcome, just not if you want to vote against our interests!
But lest we get complacent, Texas is introducing a new law that would allow the government to make a new film industry. Great! Except… you will go to prison if you make a film that is not perfectly complementary about the state. How long until they start teaching this in film schools, I ask?
Meanwhile, just to make sure that everyone is aware that they have the power, they want to rename the Harvey Milk Naval Ship. Because what is more important than honoring gay people? Worshipping the military!
But hey, folks, I am just trying to stay positive! Maybe it is a good thing this is all happening at once! We just need one bad thing to happen every single day from June first to June 30th, and then everything will be better!
But did you hear about the new meme coin? It’s called “GriefCoin”. Every time something terrible happens in the news, the value goes up. It's like investing in… the apocalypse. And guess what? I just sold it. This week, I’m getting into fluoride-free toothpaste futures. You can’t go wrong.
There is also this law that will cut all Medicaid and will allow anyone who does not have a job to be kicked out. But don't worry, there's a good side to it. It’ll make finding a job much easier! After all, more people will die from lack of healthcare, so there will be plenty of openings!
Which reminds me, it's almost hurricane season, and the new head of FEMA is on record as saying he… wasn’t aware that was a thing? I hope you’re all as excited for this as I am!
The truth is, there are so many things to care about right now. It's a great time to be alive! I'm starting to think "existential dread" just means “being properly informed”.
You know, here at the department of redundancy department, we are working hard to make sure you get all the information that the government won't tell you, and it is our pleasure to make sure that you all know these facts.
(ShadowComic pauses, a single tear rolling down his cheek.)
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay cynical, and… maybe start practicing your eulogies. Just in case.
(ShadowComic bows deeply, the olive flags on his suit rustling ominously, and exits into the darkness.)