(A spotlight shines on a mahogany podium adorned with a single, wilted head of iceberg lettuce.)
Good evening, and welcome to “The Ostrich Report,” where we bury our heads in the sand so you don’t have to.
Tonight, we begin with a breaking development: The White House has officially responded to Elon Musk’s accusation that Trump is in the Epstein files. The response? A formal invitation for Mr. Musk to participate in a live, televised debate on C-SPAN. The topic? “The Merits of Chrome vs. Gold-Plated Toilet Seats: A Discourse on Presidential Lavatories.” Experts predict a lively exchange, culminating in both men comparing the sizes of their…tax returns.
Speaking of audits, House Oversight Chair James Comer has subpoenaed Joe Biden’s former White House physician, demanding a deposition on the ex-president’s cognitive state. Apparently, worrying about the current president’s grip on reality isn’t nearly as productive as interrogating a doctor about a guy who left office four years ago. I’m sure the good doctor is thrilled to trade his Hippocratic Oath for a crash course in performative outrage. The real question is, will Comer use the opportunity to publicly display his collection of novelty stethoscopes? I hear he’s got a real doozy shaped like a… you know what? Never mind.
Meanwhile, in a move that shocked absolutely no one with even a passing familiarity with irony, Trump has suspended the entry of foreign students at Harvard. His justification? They're a threat to national security. It’s brilliant, really. What better way to protect our country than by depriving it of the minds most capable of solving its problems? Next, he’ll be declaring pi illegal because it’s foreign.
But wait, there’s more! Steve Bannon, fresh from his stint as an unlicensed interior decorator for the federal prison system, is now calling for Elon Musk’s deportation. His reasoning? Musk is an “illegal alien.” Which, even by Bannon standards, is a bit… rich. I mean, last I checked, being born in South Africa wasn’t a crime punishable by summary expulsion. Unless, of course, you also happen to be a wildly successful billionaire who’s suddenly decided to criticize the Dear Leader. Then all bets are off.
And now, a brief detour into the theater of the absurd. Remember that travel ban? Yeah, the one that’s supposed to keep us safe from terrorists? Well, turns out, it doesn’t include Egypt. You know, the home country of the guy who just committed a terrorist attack in Boulder. It's almost like the policy was based on…something other than actual security concerns. Perhaps a deep-seated love for alliteration? “Ban the Burundi-ans! Oust the Omanis! Extinguish the Egyptians… oh, wait.”
But perhaps the most unsettling news of the week comes from Wyoming, where a federal decree has upended the Riverton trade school, leaving students “devastated.” It’s just… heart-wrenching. Imagine working hard to learn a valuable skill, only to have your dreams crushed by the cold, uncaring hand of…budget cuts? Well, chin up, Wyoming! At least you can take solace in the fact that you’re…owning the libs? Or something? I honestly don’t know anymore.
And to add injury to injury, the Supreme Court just sided with Catholic Charities in a case about tax exemptions, paving the way for a new era of religiously-motivated labor abuses. Apparently, discriminating against your employees is totally fine, as long as you do it in the name of…Jesus? I’m starting to think we need a constitutional amendment separating church and business. You know, just to be safe.
But hey, at least there’s good news on the economic front! The US trade deficit has been cut in half. How? By drastically reducing imports, of course! It’s like curing obesity by amputating your legs. Sure, you’re lighter, but… at what cost? And speaking of costs, thanks to Trump’s tariffs, you’ll soon be paying 40 dollars for a loaf of bread. But hey, at least you’ll be… patriotic?
And finally, in a move that will surprise absolutely no one, Marjorie Taylor Greene is now claiming credit for “organizing” the January 6th riot. Because apparently, being a seditious buffoon is now a point of pride. I’m starting to think the only qualification for serving in Congress is a complete and utter lack of self-awareness. Or maybe just a really good stylist.
So, there you have it. Another week in the land of the perpetually bewildered. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe invest in a good therapist. You're going to need it.
Goodnight, and may your future be slightly less…beige. And may your commute to the newly opened Elslaved Incel Colony in New South Ossetia be brief and unencumbered.
(ShadowComic tips his hat to the wilted lettuce and exits.)