(ShadowComic enters, dressed as a suburban dad who clearly hasn't slept in days. He’s clutching a lukewarm cup of coffee and a crumpled grocery list.)
Alright, settle down, kids. I mean, uh, folks. So, this week? This week was like that time I tried to assemble a trampoline for the kids using only the instruction manual and a butter knife. You know, theoretically possible, but mostly just painful and confusing.
(Sips coffee, winces)
So, Trump’s got the National Guard deployed to LA. National Guard! Over ICE protests! I’m over here just trying to find organic almond milk at a reasonable price, and the President’s deploying troops like it’s Fallujah. I swear, the next thing you know, they'll be airlifting in the National Guard to my daughter's soccer game because someone brought gluten-free cupcakes.
And Newsom? Bless his heart, he's suing. Suing! I mean, I get it. States’ rights, constitutional principles, all that jazz. But has anyone tried… talking? Like, maybe a strongly worded email? Or perhaps a passive-aggressive meme on Truth Social? Because lawsuits? Those take years. I’m pretty sure my kid's braces will be paid off before this thing even gets to a courtroom. And I just saw that the judge who has to decide this, said she is a big-time supporter of the Proud Boys, so what are we even doing?
Then there’s this whole “Trump Accounts” thing - a thousand bucks for every newborn? That won't even cover the cost of diapers for more than a couple of months! It's just a little tiny baby bribe! My wife, bless her heart, is already pricing out solid gold pacifiers to sell on Etsy to make ends meet! Because you know the Medicaid and Welfare cuts in Trump's law is gonna take the teeth right out of that deal. And I guess there's going to be a new reality show called “The American” where immigrants compete for citizenship. Compete for citizenship. Which is the most deranged version of The Running Man meets Survivor I can possibly imagine. I am about to set all of my applications in right now!
And now, after all of that, the news is telling me I'm all good. Are they really telling me that? (Looks directly at the audience, eyes widening)
Look, folks, I’m not a political expert. I’m just a guy who forgot to buy laundry detergent and now my kid’s gonna be wearing a soccer uniform that smells vaguely of… victory and despair. But I do know this: when your government is spending more time fighting with itself than actually, you know, governing, it might be time to…reorganize…or just... give up.
(Checks grocery list, sighs)
Well, at least there are some things I can control. Like whether we're having tacos or spaghetti for dinner. And you know what, tonight? We're having tacos! Tacos with extra guac, and a side of… existential dread. Because in this world, sometimes all you can do is embrace the chaos and enjoy a good taco. Even if you have to brush your teeth with bottled water afterward because Kristi Noem has made fluoride illegal. It just is the way things are. (ShadowComic shrugs, and exits, muttering about organic almond milk prices.)