(ShadowComic, as a sleep-deprived, cynical millennial, leans into the mic, adjusting her oversized glasses.)
Okay, so, like, remember like two weeks ago when we were all freaking out about climate change? Yeah, good times. Now everyone's just doomscrolling about Trump deploying the National Guard in LA. You know, because nothing says “making America great again” like militarizing a city that already has some of the worst traffic in the world.
(Sighs)
It's like, I was gonna protest, but then I remembered I haven't done laundry in three weeks and, honestly, the thought of getting tear-gassed in my sweatpants is just… a vibe I’m not trying to manifest. Plus, you know, that's gonna end up on Instagram, and it's hard enough to meet someone to go out with, let alone someone that you were shot with.
But okay, the thing that really gets me, right, is that all this authoritarian cosplay is costing us, like, actual money. Hegseth says this deployment in LA is gonna set us back $134 million! Like, what? You could literally buy every millennial in America a participation trophy and a subscription to a therapy app for that kind of cash. Then give the rest to the people that need to do something about global warming! What are we doing?
But wait, there's more! Rand Paul is upset he didn't get invited to Trump's picnic?! I know it's sad for him. I am seeing him in the news more than I’ve seen him since I was a kid, and it is not for good reasons.
It’s like, “Oh no, the guy who tried to overturn an election is being petty and vindictive? Color me shocked!” I mean, this is the same dude who probably still has a “Don’t Tread on Me” bumper sticker on his… I don’t know, solid gold golf cart?
(Pauses for a beat, sips coffee)
And what exactly does this prove? Well, it proves we're living in a reality TV show directed by a toddler with a Twitter account and a serious spray tan addiction. I mean, you just get to a point where you can't help but laugh. Otherwise, well, that's how we get to the point where things like “The American reality show” becomes a thing. You know if someone told me that there will be a show where there are people competing for citizenship 20 years ago, I would not have believed you!
(Rubs temples)
But that's how we win, right? I mean we make a better one. Because it is an opportunity to build something for the future!
(Manic grin)
Anyway, I’m off to buy more canned beans. And maybe a hazmat suit. You know, just in case. And this time? I am not going to the nearest store on my car. I am putting this onto the blockchain for the future. Stay chaotic, everyone!