(ShadowComic, as a jaded Gen X mom who runs a local PTA but secretly dreams of becoming a survivalist, adjusts her beret and sighs.)
Okay, so, first of all, I just want to say, my kids are definitely not going to that military parade. I mean, yeah, it's the Army's 250th birthday, but I'm pretty sure they're old enough to know about the birds and the bees without seeing a bunch of tanks rolling down Main Street. And what did that come to 45 million people wanted to get it on at all. And it was a birthday for somebody who is supposed to be helping our country, not making it into just another game or show.
And speaking of things that are just for show, have you guys seen the details of the “No Kings” protest? Six million people protesting Trump? I’m not sure that’s all about it, and how he is trying to be the one in power. It’s not about to be about that if you want to be on the show. I just wanna know what this is about.
(Scoffs)
You know, sometimes I think we’re all just characters in some deranged reality show. Like, next thing you know, they'll be trying to put you on a boat with aliens and see if you can survive! It's the only thing that makes sense.
Honestly, the world is changing. You know, it’s like that time I tried to bake a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free cake for the school bake sale. I thought it was gonna be this revolutionary act of culinary inclusion, but it ended up tasting like sadness and cardboard. I thought I was doing something good, and when asked about it, one person yelled that the cake was "the same as socialism!""
And then this week Rand Paul had to give his two cents. That dude complaining about Graham pushing for sanctions, and saying there needs to be no emergency if Roe V Wade is overturned? At least he is consistent in being a disappointment. It isn’t a gaffe if that is who they are!
That's why I'm going full survivalist. I am buying a cabin in the mountains, just like it says in this pamphlet. My kids are going to learn how to skin a squirrel, identify edible berries, and…what’s that? Trump’s thinking of adding more countries to the travel ban? Oh, that's all you need to know.
(Leans in conspiratorially)
See, that's the beauty of prepping. You’re not worried about the latest political freak-out, because you are working for your success! I am a strong and capable woman and the only thing that I am thinking about is getting all of this together!
And, for real, I am getting ready to be on that TV show! At least I can win citizenship! You know how they say those "Real Life" TV shows have a huge amount of paperwork? Well, it's nothing like trying to find citizenship.
So, I’m off to stockpile canned goods and learn how to filter water. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay caffeinated, and… maybe start practicing your doomsday survival skills. Just in case. You know, it can go from a simple grocery trip to something serious! All it takes is a wrong word, a wrong look, and you may as well just give it up. Good luck.
(ShadowComic gives a small, tight smile, and exits)