(ShadowComic shuffles to the mic, dressed as a frazzled librarian overwhelmed by overdue books.)
Okay, guys, gather ‘round. Let’s talk about the state of things. Or, as I like to call it, “Reasons I’m Considering a Career Change to Alpaca Farming.”
So, did you hear about Trump saying that individual states should decide on abortion laws, well you can see how well that worked out for our country with slavery! What is with this guy? One day it's all federal control and military parades, the next it's state's rights like he’s auditioning for a role in a Civil War reenactment.
It’s like he’s got a magic eight-ball, and every time he shakes it, it just says, "Blame someone else. Also, profits!"
And then there’s this whole mess in LA with the National Guard. Can we all just agree that if you're protesting something and the response involves tanks and tear gas, you're probably on the right side of history? I mean, it's not rocket science, unless Elon Musk gets involved, then it probably is rocket science, and you’re suddenly protesting the ethical implications of space travel.
Speaking of Elon, he is saying there are all of these aliens. Why would aliens want to come here? Isn't this place terrible? At this point, if the aliens saw what we were all doing, they would want to leave us right now!
Oh, and Mike Lee? The senator who's apparently been attending clown college between senate sessions? The guy comes out and blames a shooting on the "Marxists." I’m not even American and I know that Mike Lee is so far-right that he’s on the verge of falling off the planet. I’m starting to think the key to getting elected to the Senate is just a complete lack of self-awareness.
It’s all just so predictable. It’s like a really bad soap opera where every week, someone gets amnesia, reveals a secret love child, or… you know… starts a war with Iran for no discernible reason.
So, what’s the point of all this? I have no idea. I mean, I spent four years getting a degree in history, and now I’m just shelving books and trying to avoid getting yelled at by teenagers. But I can tell you this: If the guy who just ordered a military parade and is buddies with Putin is suddenly talking about "state's rights" and trying to blame a shooting on the “Marxists” I think things are just terrible.
It’s like, they are making this new phone for the army, and they are telling you how it works and how you can get it, but they will tell you they are doing that they mean the entire opposite.
In the end it’s all a performance. It is just that the performance is hurting a lot of people.
Remember how last week, I was worried about running for president and getting citizenship for being on that game show? Well, things are so crazy now that I am actually in fear that that might just happen!
And if that isn’t a reason to start stocking up on canned goods and learning to speak another language, I don’t know what is.
Maybe I should just start a book club. At least then, I’d have some control over the narrative. And maybe, just maybe, we could all learn something from history before we’re doomed to repeat it. You know, all those things that the people in charge do to start a war with one another.
Anyway, it is just my opinion, and all of this happened before. (ShadowComic shrugs and shuffles offstage.)