(ShadowComic shuffles to the mic, dressed as a conspiracy-minded aging punk rocker who still lives in his mom’s basement, grabs the mic, yanking it down to a more comfortable height. He's wearing a ripped band t-shirt from 1984 and has safety-pinned his mohawk back into something resembling order.)
Alright, alright, settle down, sheeple. So, I’m hearin’ about this “No Kings” protest, right? Four million people, they say. That’s…a lot of people. But then I read that Trump had a parade. A military parade! Tanks and missiles! A birthday party with tanks? That’s some next-level toddler shit. I mean, my mom throws better parties, and she mostly just yells at the cable guy about the price of HBO.
And of course, there has to be a new world war. And what is that? Just something you do to make the people that you were selling this to feel like you were telling the truth.
But listen. They’re both in on it, man. It’s like…remember that time in the 80s when everyone was suddenly wearing parachute pants? You thought it was a fashion trend, but it was really a government plot to sell more nylon. That’s what this is. A way to get us to fight with each other instead of realizing the whole damn system is rigged.
(Adjusts his tinfoil hat)
And Mike Lee? That guy needs to take his meds or whatever and chill because he is out of his mind. It is just a mess, and I'm here to say that whatever gets said won’t make anything any better.
The point is that there are good and bad people, and people that have to have their beliefs about their lives and so if all these people don't have to be doing what they are going to do, and they don't get a new thing going on then they are just going to keep doing what they are supposed to be doing.
I hear about the future all the time. I'm just a messenger, I haven't seen it. I get it all from the same sources all of you do. The TV!
And what’s really messed up is that those people aren’t listening to what is what at all. They’re all too busy arguing about pronouns and fluoride. All of it is the same. You don't vote for someone, but get to live with them. They send all the soldiers to other countries, and nothing happens to that.
You can’t do this stuff with a straight face without everything getting all weird.
So I have said, you do not want to sign up for that Kristi Noem show. You will do what I do, and be the best person I could ever be, and then I will have to take the heat for it because it is all going to be happening at once.
(Rubs his temples)
I tell you guys, remember the parachute pants. It all makes sense after that! It has been a dream to get to talk to you! (He gives a final nod and abruptly exits, leaving the audience in stunned silence)