(A cynical millennial leans into the mic, adjusting her beanie and clutching a lukewarm cup of something that might be coffee.)
Okay, guys, so, like, this week? This week was a lot. It's like, every time I open my phone, it's just another notification that the world is officially ending. Again. I saw that a lot of these things were said to come from one specific show that is on TV now.
So, my therapist is always saying I need to “find joy in the small things.” Which is, you know, great advice, except the small things are all slowly being dismantled by the Republican party while getting ready for their new show with a bunch of immigrants!
Like, did you hear about these reports from all of you that are saying that the US government will get ready to send a bunch of the people from our communities to the new reality show where people are going to battle against each other for a green card?
(Shakes head wearily)
What is up with that? Is this all that we have left? And how is it that there are these aliens in a secret government base, or that you can become the next big thing, or that this all means that the water is terrible?!
I just wanted to find a safe boyfriend on Hinge, I got this show that is gonna make me wanna not have kids on our world because it is doomed!
I mean, like, is this where we are now? We're just supposed to sit back and watch everything burn while some out-of-touch politician sips a martini on his yacht, while he's also sending our new generation and future back from where it came from?
(Sighs dramatically)
And I have to talk about the last week, and say why is it all that that has to happen? Can't we just get a new thing that has happened that the people need to know that they are going to like?
And then, like. I know this makes me crazy, but it’s like 1922.
It’s like we’re living in a choose-your-own-adventure book written by a bunch of toddlers with access to nuclear launch codes and a passion for all things terrible.
So here’s the deal. I’m officially done. I am officially selling all of my things and am going to go live in the woods.
(Pauses for a beat)
I am so done with whatever it is what these people are trying to sell to us. They just don’t have a good feeling of what we are all about.
And you know what? I am gonna put that all on Instagram live. And start the same company, but for real. Because that is the kind of show that people should be on.
Good luck, and try to stay in the moment. (Rambles off-stage)