(ShadowComic, as a cynical, debt-ridden millennial with a side-hustle as a Twitch streamer, leans into the mic, adjusting his gaming headset.)
Yo, what’s up, chat? Welcome back to “Dystopian Reality Stream,” where we dissect the news so you don’t have to…because, let’s be real, you’re probably already knee-deep in doomscrolling.
So, did you guys see that Trump’s all but declared war on…the Supreme Court? I mean, Sotomayor's like, “Dude, this is straight-up lawlessness,” and he’s just out there…golfing. I swear, the only thing bipartisan in this country anymore is our shared sense of existential dread.
(Adjusts headset)
Speaking of things going sideways, has anyone checked in on my man Mitch McConnell lately? I saw he was complaining about the chaos! You know, it's hard to look the part as a turtle when you’re trying to be a human shield, is it not?
And what happened in LA? It’s starting to be the same as Syria with the soldiers. No one ever asks to see what they can get here. You mean you had a whole bunch of people who were going to be taken by those guys and all you can do is that? Did you even have a chance to see what all of that was about?
(Sighs, takes an imaginary hit from a vape pen)
But it's OK because I’m making it all up. Or is it because there's the show where one can pay all these things and it's for real? That’s just not gonna be an option to use. I’m just gonna say if I get all those guys, then I could have it, then I am going to go and get the stuff together.
Like, have we learned nothing from the last four years? The only thing we’re missing now is that if we listen that to those lies and then everything is going to be alright. So now I see that no one even knows what is going on and then everything just falls apart.
That is why I am trying to make a new show.
I should be able to get someone to do it and then it is a thing about who wants to make it or what we’re supposed to be doing with the rest of our lives?
I'm just saying. You might be gonna die.
So I am just gonna say, I am gonna stay all by myself and do it.
I am telling you, that you were ready to see it, but you don’t even see what is happening in front of you.
(Leans into the mic, lower voice)
It’s like, guys, have you heard of the new law? It is a crazy thing, and those people in the army, you know what I’m talking about, and then all you know is that if you think to yourself about what the aliens are gonna do they will try to give you a test, that is about as real as that is gonna get.
(The sound of dial-up internet fills the background, then abruptly cuts out) Okay guys, that’s it for tonight. I gotta go… “optimize my bandwidth” and try to figure out how to make a living in this increasingly absurd reality. Remember to smash that like button, subscribe for more existential dread, and… maybe start learning a new language. Just in case.