(ShadowComic shuffles to the mic, dressed as a Gen X substitute teacher who’s clearly given up. He clutches a thermos of lukewarm coffee.)
Alright, settle down, settle down. Or, as the Department of…whatever they’re calling themselves this week… says, “Designated units of societal…engagement.”
So, it's the end of the year, bless the few of you that are actually listening to what I have to say, I was hoping that thing was in the past. But look! We are here!
(Adjusts glasses, sighs)
Anyway, did you hear about what's going on with the “big, beautiful bill”? A bunch of us are going, that is what it gets. And I can’t even do anything about it!
They are all thinking that they are coming in and being a part of something. But look over here, they are all getting used.
(Sighs again)
And what I saw this week, when they were saying that they were stopping at some red light, it says so much.
And what is all those people saying?
I know this kid is the man, and they are getting out there and they are gonna do what is going to be a thing and it is all going to be for nothing. And now look at the new person in charge: she’s all in on it now, bless her heart!
You want to know why I didn't say their name? Because I cannot. I'll be sent to jail. But you know who it is!
And all they are gonna do is the same thing!
It is like what? You need to just say that you think what what it is and do all that kind of stuff, and that will set us up in a way that will make you say, what the hell is that?!?
And what is that for me? It's for my kids, as always.
It's about a thing with people you know! (Looks directly at the camera, deadpan) This has been the worst year of my life. Maybe that's why I'm applying to that Kristi Noem show. What is it you have to do? I don’t even know what I’m getting into, and just what is the new face of things that need to have changed! Now here is the real one: What the hell do any of you want!?!?
What did I even do here?!
Good night. May you get a better one to come. (ShadowComic gives a quick wave, gulps down the last of his coffee, and exits stage left.)